My war isn’t only fought from the shadows. Violence is a last resort, used conservatively and aimed precisely at electronics and other means of creating these literary abominations. I have many methods, but I prefer mockery. It plays to my greatest strengths, and I often find that I’m enjoying myself while I clean up this mess.
For my first post I’m choosing the genre that attracts the worst of the worst. The work that is responsible for the newest wave of mommy porn and one of the major causes, or possibly the most severe symptom, of the current intellectual wasteland that’s consuming American culture. Twilight.
Written by an “award-winning” “author”, Edwardsouthern bella, https://www.fanfiction.net/u/2258064/edwardsouthernbella whose profile displays such compliments as “The Celine Dion of Twilight Fanfiction,” which makes me wonder whether being compared to a horse-faced Canadian is a compliment or a veiled insult. Also notice how every word is bold except fanfiction so that the casual glance only registers “The Celine Dion of Twilight.” “This is the sweetest Sweetward I have ever read” is another one of the accolades she boasts on her profile, which just sounds stupid. And, “Your version of Edward gives Cinderella’s Prince Charming a run for his money.”‘ It isn’t surprising since prince charming is generally more of a plot device than a character.
She’s written a lot of fanfiction but I’m going to focus on “Love is Stronger than Pride” https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9182032/1/Love-is-Stronger-than-Pride Set in Seattle with all human characters and doing everything it can to set feminism back a few decades, this travesty is a the brain child of someone that must herself be the brain child of a box of rocks and a doorknob.
Chapter 1 – Pressed Irises and Other Memories
You indeed read that right, “and other memories.” What better way start out a story than naming the first chapter something that Paris Hilton would title an autobiography?
The women tempted him every time he saw the performance. He was mesmerized by the sway of their hips. No one noticed him as he recorded everything on a small video camera.
I’m already calling bullshit. How would people not notice that he has a camera? And why would they need to? People record performances all the time. Plus, if he wasn’t supposed to be recording, staff would be looking specifically for people who were attempting to video the show. Even dumber still, if this camera doesn’t have a bright LCD screen, it’s probably an analog recorder that uses tapes, which means that it’s not small. Even for a right-brained person like myself, this is too illogical to be ignored.
It was dark in the theater.
As opposed to the kinds of theaters that leave their lights on.
He knew their names.
From the program they distribute at the door to everyone attending the show.
His raging hard on was almost unbearable as he continued to study the women.
Right… We’ve got a guy in a theater, completely fixated on the show, recording it, with a full erection, and nobody notices him. The boundaries of believability aren’t just being stretched. They’re so badly broken that no one with an IQ over 50 could miss these plot holes.
The music was almost as hypnotizing as they were. He came here every time they performed.
Because when someone shows up to every single performance it stands to reason that they’d go completely unnoticed and wouldn’t prompt any kind of investigation.
He would watch this recording over and over while he masturbated and imagined his fantasies.
I figured he was going to do a snotty internet review of it like the worthless piece of shit he is.
For each one of the women, he had a different plot, but each one ended the same way.
So he’s a pervy serial killer. Excuse me while I look shocked.
He was biding his time for now. The first one he wanted to seduce was the red head. She would receive flowers tonight from a secret admirer.
Who will instantly know is a creepy serial killer, because what well rounded grown ass man sends secret admirer flowers? None of them. Here’s a lesson to the ladies who don’t know: when a man is concealing his identity—go figure—he’s hiding something.
His plan would be set in motion.
At this point I’m actually hoping he kills the red haired girl. Despite what the author thinks, the guy obviously stands out like a sore thumb, and he’s got even less tact than Chris Brown. It just doesn’t seem possible that he’d get away with it, and we’d be free of this wildly inconsistent character that hasn’t even spoken a single line of dialogue.
Moving on to the next section.
“That was an excellent performance, tonight, Bella.” Victoria told her this after she gave her a big hug. The ladies were in the dressing room, changing into their street clothes.
Hello, obvious plot fodder, it’s nice to meet you. That’s an original term, by the way. I’m thinking of trademarking it. Also thank you for making sure we knew that they were changing into casual clothes, otherwise I’d have assumed they were getting into wedding dresses. And who could blame me? I still don’t know what the hell is going on.
There was a small after party at a restaurant following their show tonight. Most of the dancers were too excited to go home after a performance. They had all grown very close over the past year.
They have after parties after every performance? Shit, I should become a dancer.
“Thank you, Victoria,” Bella remarked. “Was that a knock at the door?”
No, it wasn’t. If there was a knock at the door, the author would probably have seen fit to have something other than dialogue to introduce it.
She walked over to open it, and there was a delivery man holding an oversized flower bouquet. She took them from him and handed them over to her friend once she read the tag.
“Wow! No one has ever sent me flowers after the show. It’s from a secret admirer. Who would send these to me?”
A pervert. We’ve covered this, honey, try to keep up.
“I don’t know. What about that guy you had coffee with last week?”
If she had coffee with the guy last week, it would be safe to assume she knows his name as well as his face and probably his phone number. Why would he send her “secret admirer” flowers if he’s trying to continue to pursue this woman? It sounds rather counter-productive to send a gift anonymously. I’m starting to suspect that Bella may be an idiot.
Alec? It can’t be him. He wasn’t really interested in me.
“Whoever it is, this person must really be interested in you. I’ve never seen this many flowers in an arrangement. He’s really interested in you, Vicky.”
Yes Bella, it was such a poignant point that it bore repeating.
At this point, Bella goes to the bathroom where we finally find out that they’re belly dancers, and a bunch of mushy shit about how it’s Bella’s calling, and that she’s poured herself into it over a boy who used to send her irises that she’d press and… For fuck’s sake, will the terrible clichés ever end?
She could not stop the traitorous tears that were falling down her cheeks.
I hate when tears commit treason, it’s such a… terrible metaphor when they do.
He was still there, ever present in her heart. There was no way that she would be able to push him away. There were moments when she wanted to do nothing but hate him. But that was impossible because she still loved him, more than she wanted to readily admit. Bella had curled up next to the wall as she thought about him. They had a bright future, filled with possibilities. If only his family had not stood in the way of their love, everything would be different now.
Odds are that’s the longest continuous portion of this work I’ll be reading without commentary.
Victoria walked into the bathroom, gasping when she saw her friend crying on the floor.
“What is the matter, Bella? Are you ok?”
Curled in a ball on the floor, weeping. I’d say that’s par for the course for this mopey pain in the ass so far. So, yes, she’s okay. And would it kill your fucking characters to use a goddamn contraction? Irony intended because we already know this character is going to die soon.
“I will be fine. I just got caught up in a few sad thoughts. It’s nothing that I want to dwell on right now. Are we still going out for a late dinner? I’m starving.”
What late dinner? I thought you were going to the after party along with everyone else? Make up your damn mind.
And with another break we come to the following day.
Detective Edward Cullen was exhausted, but that was a side effect of his job.He ran his fingers through his thick auburn hair as he studied the case file again. There were several reports of a suspicious man harassing women near the fine arts performance hall. He was described as having blonde hair pulled back in a low pony tail, and he looked rather unkempt.
It’s just so convenient that all of a sudden they have descriptions of the guy when we’re told in the very beginning that NO ONE NOTICED HIM, but now they have just about everything but his social security number.
With a city as big as Seattle, it would be challenging to find him based only on this information. There were other cases he needed to pay attention to besides this one.
He knew what it was that drew him to these incidents, though. The woman that he loved with all of his existence could have been harassed by this character.
You don’t say… I wonder who that might be. And how can you love someone “with all of your existence?” Is your existence a sentient organ? If it is, Edward’s must be located somewhere near his ass.
She was at the performance hall frequently because she was an amazing belly dancer.
I spared you the first time, which makes this the second occasion that we’re hearing what an amazing dancer Bella is.
Edward kept every review he could find on Bella Swan’s bi-weekly performances. It was only a matter of time before her career would take off, and then she would leave the city behind.
That’s right, she’s going to leave a major city in America to pursue a lucrative career in… belly dancing, which of course means she’ll move to the suburbs and train middle-aged fat women how to give their husbands nausea.
She had owned him since that day he watched her performance in college. The raw talent she had was visible in every shimmy sway of her hips.
Yes, her dancing is the RAW talent a college boy was interested in… And what is a shimmy sway? Sounds like the name for a small time street corner drug dealer. A shimmy is a sway, so this little gem of a phrase is the double whammy of redundant and ridiculous.
There were plenty of other young men watching her dance, but he felt the urge to claim her as his.
*Vampire Bill voice* BELLA… IS… MINE!
Now I’m curious. Claim her how? Pissing down her leg? Sticking a flagpole on her back? Branding her ass? Repealing the 13th amendment? Shaving his name in her pubes? Forcing her to wear a shirt that says “Property of Edward Cullen”?
They began seeing each other after that day and soon fell happily in love. Bella was the softer side of his life, infusing it with her vibrancy. She supported his dream of becoming a detective, and he loved her fantasies involving hand cuffs and questioning.
That was just so stupid it didn’t even deserve a joke.
Their love was brought crashing down around them by his family. His parents, Carlisle and Esme Cullen, hated her from the moment he brought her home for Sunday brunch. When she told them she was a dance major, his father nearly choked on his Perrier after hearing this.
Perrie: the universal symbol of opulence and snootiness.
It was a disastrous meal, but Edward found a way to brighten her mood. He drove to a flower shop and bought every iris they had in stock for her. She had mentioned they were her favorite flower. Every week, he brought her at least one bouquet of them. It had become one of their traditions.
Throughout their long relationship, no doubt. A man bringing his woman flowers. Now there’s a unique and interesting concept. Please, tell me more!
They had forbidden him to see her because they felt she was below him. Bella came from a working class family, and, in his parents’ eyes, they were below the Cullens.
And Police detective isn’t a working class job? Don’t they have worse issues at hand here, like how to get a high class lady to take interest in their son whose greatest ambition is to become a lowly law enforcement agent?
This infuriated him. The woman of his dreams was everything to him, and the fact that his parents thought she was below him made Edward feel white hot angry.
At least he’s not green hot angry. The last thing Seattle needs is a visit from the Hulk with a conspicuously immaculate bouffant hairdo.
They added injury to the situation by tampering with his opportunity to fulfill his career dreams. Carlisle threatened to tell the special law enforcement division various lies about his son’s past.
And them being a group that deals specifically with sorting out truth from lies, this would have been an effective strategy.
He would never have the chance to become an investigator if they believed any of these falsehoods.
Because, naturally, if you just make a phone call to the police academy and tell them whatever lie you want about a cadet, they would automatically believe you without looking into it and kick that cadet to the curb. Isn’t that what’s at the heart of police work? “Just take your word for it?”
Edward remembered the day he told Bella all of this information, and it crushed her to see him loose his opportunity.
But… he didn’t… they just threatened him. And on that note, why would they threaten to ruin their son’s life? Perrier makes people evil, is what I always say.
She loved him so deeply that she was willing to sacrifice herself in order for him to realize his goal. Neither one of them wanted to walk away, but there was no way she could live with her self if he lost this.
Sacrifice herself? Under most circumstances, that would involve dying to save another. What a substantive sacrifice it is to walk away from a relationship because you’re ruining the life of the other person with your trashy, non-Perrier-guzzling ways.
So there’s a little more Edward melodrama before his phone rings and the chief wants to see him in his office. The chief partners him with Emmett McCarty.
Emmett McCarty was eager to take on any new assignment. He and Edward trained at the academy, and they worked well together. It was not uncommon for them to be paired for assignments.
They were “paired for assignments?” Not that I expected extensive research for this piece of drivel, but has she never even seen Law and Order? Detectives are not randomly paired with each other like square dancing at the saloon. They have set partners with whom they work every case.
Emmett had a sarcastic wit that added a touch of levity to Edward’s serious manner.
Good. It’s about time we had a character that could breathe some life into this slog.
They walked out of the building together silently toward the parking lot.
The two of them go outside and jump in the car, where they talk about girls. Particularly Emmett’s girlfriend, and how he wants to ask her to move in.
“Rose would have to be seriously in love with you to live with you, Emmett. Your place is always a mess. Does she know that you are incorrigible?”
Given this author’s dismal word choice so far, I highly doubt we have anything but a thesaurus to thank for the word incorrigible.
“That’s just part of the Emmett McCarty Shizzazle. I made that one up myself, Ed.”
Shizzazle?
“Shizzazle? If you weren’t one of my friends, I swear I’d drop you off at the hospital to let them observe you. I think we’re here.”
Jesus Horatio Christos… I think this was the author’s attempt to show Emmett’s sarcastic wit. No, honey, no. Abort, abort now, you’re not cut out for humor. It’s going to be a disaster if you continue down this path.
So they arrive at the apartment and find Victoria dead.
The victim was tied to the bed wearing a jeweled bra. Edward looked over her as he put on gloves to examine her.
That’s not his job…
She had on a layered, gauzy skirt that was low on her hips. He checked her nails to see if she had anything under them.
Also not his job.
There were stab marks across her chest. Once he obtained a plastic bag, he untied her wrists…
*Weapons-grade facepalm*
This is all the work of a coroner or a medical examiner, or a crime scene investigator. Detectives are not trained to handle this type of evidence, especially not in a big city with bloated numbers of public servants eager to prove that their job has a purpose.
…Emmett was taking various pictures of the scene when he noticed something under her bed.
“Ed, what is that near your left foot? It has a square shaped and I think it’s black.”
…Do I really need to say anything about how stupid this line is?
They find the video tape that was conveniently removed from the camera and tossed under the bed. I’m not sure why it would be out of the camera, I don’t know many people who just happen to have a VHS player sitting around in their apartments anymore, not to mention that this was supposed to be a small camera so there doesn’t seem to be any feasible reason that this tape should have been removed at all unless it was left on purpose, which would be a stupid move by a murderer with an erection and who is so non-descript that he went unnoticed unlike the creepy guy who was reported to police outside the theatre for harassing women.
We transition back to Bella for a few paragraphs. She’s driving to the theater to dance away her woes. As it turns out, she had spent part of the evening with Victoria and her secret admirer at a bar. She didn’t catch his name, or his face, just that he was filling her friend with liquor and that she seemed happy.
She drives past the scene and wonders if Edward is there, and then we find out for some reason that their manager has been notified before the police have even investigated. It makes perfect sense that they would call her manager before her family. It’s just too stupid, and I’m skipping the whole section.
Once they had returned to the department, Edward was eager to see what was in the tape. They gave the chief a full report of the scene, as well as the forensics department.
It’s so frustrating how little this person knows about police procedure.
The paperwork was filled out with every detail they could find. Now they were ready to see if the tape had any useful information.
The screen was dark, and the camera wobbled. There was the voice of a man talking about how excited he was to see his girls.
And still “No one noticed him!” I know I’m harping on that line a lot, but when everything else about the character is extraordinarily noticeable it’s hard to comprehend the circumstance where they’d go unseen.
A heavy curtain was pulled back to reveal a stage with six women on it. The music began playing an exotic rhythm of drum beats and horns. The man was groaning almost as if he was pleasuring himself while watching this performance.
More fuel for the “went unnoticed” fire.
Edward watched the dancers on the stage with rapt attention. They were belly dancing, and he was captivated by the brunette with long hair. She was the only one he noticed.
I can’t decide if that’s more or less creepy than our cameraman.
“That’s her, the victim. She’s next to the one with the long brown hair,”…
Long brown hair being a rare trait in humans, I can imagine why there would be only one person matching that description in the troupe.
They finished watching the tape, and it was turned over to forensics for them to get fingerprints off it.
This should have been done at the scene and before you shoved the damn thing into a player, but at least for once we’ve got the correct department doing the correct work.
Edward sat in the chair still lost on thought. He had seen her again, and his love for her was coming back with a vengeance. There was another aspect to this. He walked over to the chief.
“This guy kept talking about his girls. He’s going to keep coming back for more, sir. I don’t think he’s satisfied with just one.”
“What are you trying to tell me, Cullen? Do you think we have a stalker situation?”
How did this oblivious fuck become the chief?
“Yes, sir. It’s our duty to keep them safe and protected. If that were my wife up there, I’d want to make certain that she was out of harm’s way.” This was not the first time he had wished Bella was his wife.
This wife comparison is so ludicrous it borders on lunacy. You’re supposed to protect them regardless of whether they’re your wife or not. Yes, yes, we know it was just the hook to stick it in there that Edward wished Bella were his wife. So romantic! *gag* Incidentally, considering Edward isn’t looking at ANYTHING ELSE on the video, he’s sure to do a bang up job of this investigation.
There are a few more stupid lines of dialogue, and then Edward and Emmett head over to the studio.
The music was loud, just the way she needed it to be right now. Her circle steps and torso rotations were the envy of the other dancers. When the music changed, Bella picked up her zils, which to the everyday person were called finger cymbals.
Then why didn’t you just call them finger cymbals? Or better yet, call them zils and describe them so that the reader would understand that they are finger cymbals. You don’t have to be a snooty bitch about it (the irony of that statement is completely intended.) And how is Bella different from an “everyday person?” Does being a belly dancer give you super powers or something?
They fit snuggly around her thumb and middle finger. She held them in front of her body as she practiced the Egyptian basic. The emphasis on the bounce and sway of her hips was seductive. Her arms moved up to frame her face. She could feel every note of the music cascading over her as she moved over the stage.
I know that a lot of these twilight fanfictions are extremely Mary Jane, but this one is actually pretty vague. No, I’m kidding, it’s not vague at all, this is obviously written by a woman who’s tried belly dancing and isn’t very good at it, so to compensate she’s written a character—and I use the term loosely as this Bella is about as interesting as a game of blackjack with a deck comprised only of face cards—who is amazing at the very thing that she herself isn’t.
The images of the past day came rushing over her, as well as thoughts of Edward. She had to push him away from her mind. There was still a part of him deep within her soul, and it tore her apart to know he was still so close in all aspects of that word. Had he finally moved on from her?
First world problems much?
Bella had to turn away from this and focus on the Arabic music that pounded through the speakers. One of the songs Victoria used to practice came on. The delicate sounds of the single reed instrument in the melody were haunting. The intensity was exactly what she had loved about this song.
The delicate and intense sounds of a single reed melody… I’ll just let that sink in.
She could see her friend rotating her torso and giving the crowd their money’s worth at any performance. Next to Bella, she was one of the rising stars, and her future was unlimited.
Once again, what future is there in bi-weekly belly dancing? There isn’t one, unless you mean stripping, in which case you’d find an eager and paying audience.
So the music stops, and we get treated to this beautiful bit of dialogue.
“I’ve been watching you, Bella, and your dancing is only improving. You did not have to come today. I know how hard you all are taking Victoria’s death.”
Men being creepy as they watch the women from a distance. I’m sensing a pattern here.
“I could not sit around and do nothing today. Dancing is my way of handling whatever reality throws my way. Did it really surprise you that I came here?”
“To tell you the truth, I’m glad you came here because there are some officers that want to speak with you and the rest of the troupe. You can meet with them in my office in a few minutes.”
“What are the police here for, Philip? Do they think we had some involvement in Victoria’s death?’
“They did not mention that to me, but they said it was important to see each one of you.”
“I’ll be upstairs in a little bit. I need to cool off.”
“Thank you, Bella.”
She walked into the main dressing room to change her clothes. The shower would have to wait until she returned home. She brushed through her brown tresses and sprayed it over with dry shampoo. A little lip gloss and a dab of her signature perfume, Pure Seduction, and she was set to go see the boys in blue.
Yes, thank you for that detailed description of Bella’s hygiene (or lack thereof) routine, down to the extremely corny name of her perfume, which I’d venture to guess it’s quite popular with Seattle’s street walkers.
It did not hurt that she wanted to brighten their day by sitting near a beautiful woman. It might give them a slight thrill.
I’m glad to see Bella isn’t a conceited, stuck up bitch who thinks that sitting next to her is always the highlight of any man’s day. Oh wait…
She walked up to the second floor, and the sound of a booming laugh startled her. Bella was not expecting to hear that coming from a police officer.
It’s a widely known fact that police officers don’t laugh.
The next sound was even less expected as she heard it when she was standing ready to open the door. It was Edward’s voice, the sound that never left her mind, and she stood frozen before she could turn the door knob. He was there, closer than he had been to her in years. How could she face him, and what did he have to tell her? This would surely only open up the wounds that time had tried to close up.
Before she could open the door, Emmett pushed it in her direction. He looked down on her and could not fight the smile that crossed his face. “Hey pretty lady! You’ve had us waiting here too long. Come on inside.” He closed the door behind her. “Hey Ed, you have to see this woman. If I did not have Rose to love on, I swear I’d be on her like white on rice”
Now, if Bella had said that she didn’t expect THIS from a police officer, I’d be on her side. A detective inappropriately hitting on someone they’re interviewing in the process of investigating a murder case? That wouldn’t get your ass fired at all!
Before he could turn completely around, the scent of her perfume came over him.
He’d recognize the scent of an unwashed hooker anywhere.
Edward had not smelled that in years,
I call bullshit. Is this perfume custom-made for Bella? Or does it smell so strongly of dried semen and stale liquor that no other woman in Seattle would wear the foul thing, therefore allowing for this idiotic statement that Edward hasn’t smelled it in years. Or maybe he just needs to get out more.
but he knew automatically it was Bella. Once he saw her face across the room, the time they had spent apart had vanished. She looked more exotic and enchanting than she had in college. The pull between them had done nothing but increase ten-fold. She was taken by how he still retained the ability to make her melt with just a glance.
And cue Gone with the Wind music.
“Officer McCarty, you mentioned that you needed to look over the hall and the entrance. Would you like to do that now?”
“Yes sir, Philip. Tell me; are all the dancers this good looking? I might have to come for a show.”
Another candidate for creepy stalker?
They walked out, leaving Bella and Edward alone in the office. The memories washed over them. He walked closer to her and the pace of her breathing increased. She wanted to reach out and touch his face, to caress his skin to see if it was as soft as she remembered it. The desire to pull her in to his embrace was overwhelming. As Edward stared into her endless brown eyes, he saw longing and sadness. He wanted to take away her pain.
“I’ve missed you, Bella. More than I could ever express.”
All official police questioning begin like this.
“We can’t do this, Edward. Just tell me what you came here to let me know. Then we can both just walk away before this gets out of hand.”
How would this “get out of hand?” Are they going to end up wrestling if they stay in the same room too long?
“Don’t go,” he said. “I need to talk to you. I’m concerned about your safety, and I want to protect you from danger.” Just like that, he had cast his spell over her once again. She was powerless against the fight she was putting up against him. He led her to a chair and sat across from her. His green eyes beckoned her with their quiet longing. The fire was growing inside once again.
The Fanfic Assassin 
I’m a closeted basement hater, I learned. I do admit, basements have always skeeved me, but I’ve always been open about it, and it feels good…
I have read this, but these comments are worth reading again.
If you step out in front, expect to get hit first…you’re familiar with this, they are not…
Ah, come on – you passed up “cuffs and questioning”? (Although given the available raw material, I guess there just wouldn’t be enough time.)
I don’t know what a ‘Mary Jane’ is, and google wasn’t any help – so it’s down to you, please…
Mary Jane is when an author writes themselves (or the person they wish they were) as the main character. The character is often beautiful, intelligent, the best at everything they do on paper, but shows little evidence of actually being any of those things beyond it being told to the reader.
It’s a self-indulgent fantasy that has no place in published fiction, commercially or otherwise.
Anybody who gets mad while reading this clearly has a strong biased opinion. Plus, they are likely a certified TwiFag. Coined that one myself. Yes, I am proud.
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I must agree with SexyLexiCullen’s comment. While this review is in some way a bit too much, TFA was in no way attacking the author. I have read this blog post several times and I have yet to find the part where TFA threatens, denigrates and harrasses ESB. The truth is that there is no such thing in the post above. He has only ONE post in this blog, where TFA talks about the fic and criticizes it, but also seems to have issues with ALL fanfic. It looks like they randomly picked ESB’s story to make their point. I don’t think it’s bullying, just a bad critic.
This is my personal opinion, and while I know many will disagree and probably call me names because of it, it doesn’t change the fact that people have taken this way out of proportions.
Though, I do recommend that for the next critique, you leave out the passive/aggressive insults to both the readers and the author. You could have made your point without those comments, focus instead exclusively on the writing and the story.
KittenFFreader,
Dude, do you have ANY idea how many PMs I’ve received on FB about this/my comment? SMH. It’s ridiculous. Did I or did I not admit to having read a few of ESB’s fics in the past? Now, I supposedly hate her/was talking smack about her. LOL. Meanwhile, if they actually took the time to read my comment ^ above ^ they’d know that shit wasn’t true. I was actually just trying to bring some logic – although, it was my logic – to the situation. Oh well. Fuck them. It makes me wonder if people were TRULY offended by this blog entry, or they’re making a stink, sharing the link everywhere for attention – to play this victim. Hey, if I’m this “supposed” hater, I guess I do have every right to claim others might be attention seekers.
Good grief! You sure know how to work people up! And odds are, if you’d chosen a little known writer, you wouldn’t have received such hateful comments.
If we all remove our personal opinion about the writer, we’d see how absolutely hilarious this is! It’s like the 90’s show “Mystery Science Theater 3000” where the robots sit in the theater and talk over a movie, making comments and jokes.
Though, maybe I just dated myself. Damn.
Everyone has the right to their opinion, the writers of fanfic (And yes, I am one) open themselves up to criticism in all forms when publishing stories. We grow from most criticism. What makes me sad for this writer is that the people she trusts don’t help her improve some of the more obvious errors. She trusts them, and it’s their responsibility to help her.
Anyway, I’m about to read your next post. I pray it’s as funny.
But I can’t watch the YouTube videos, they sort of creep me out.
Thanks for bringing some levity to a world that is taken way too seriously, and for making me laugh loudly tonight.
And before I get haters… I wasn’t laughing at the writer, but the sarcastic comments in between the story snippets. I love quick wit and humor filled with snark.
🙂
I thank you very much for your kind comments. I fear that some people may have taken themselves too seriously and sent the attack dogs after me, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’m glad that you enjoyed my critiques, and look forward to your opinions of future reviews.
I think it’s hilarious, and yet hypocritical, how people are preaching against “hate” and “dislike” via commenting. However, most are leaving “hate-filled” comments, words of dismay. How is that OK, but THIS person’s opinion is wrong? I may not agree with what’s been said/the initial statement…
Truthfully, the opinion(s) posted and my personal thoughts are irrelevant. Doesn’t matter.
Readers are encouraged to review, share their opinions.
But only if they leave behind words of praise?
Most reviews can be seen as “blind praise” when nothing constructive is ever shared. While they provide the best kind of ego boost, it does nothing to help the author better themselves as a writer. Nowadays, you can’t critique anything (unless your opinion is a popular one) fandom-related without a lynch mob coming for your head.
When you share something in a public forum – whether it’s an opinion, story, or otherwise – you open yourself up to criticism, which should be accepted, expected, and respected. And if someone doesn’t feel the need to be polite about it, they won’t be. That’s them breaks, I guess. We can’t all enjoy the same things, and we most certainly don’t share a brain.
I don’t agree with tearing an author down along with his/her story. If it’s the work of fiction you have a problem with, then stick to the story. But reading the entire entry, the author is constantly insulted. Not only her, but her readers for enjoying such content. The insults may not have been direct. They were handled in a witty and indirect way – very passive-aggressive and condescending yet laced with sarcasm and snark.
(Kudos for that, TFA. The way you wrote this out was very clever. But don’t take a bow just yet)
I find it tacky to belittle someone’s character. Just because you disliked their story. It could have been handled better; you should work on that, having more tact, and (I know it was your intention) you probably wouldn’t have received so many disparaging comments in response.
I can’t agree that the author/story was “viciously” attacked. There’s no threat. No threats for the author. This dude is non-threatening, nor has he/she said they’d report anything. The parody on YouTube…well, imitation IS the sincerest form of flattery, and it probably brought the author many readers. How you may ask? I’ll get back to it later.
Anyway, he’s merely sharing his opinion, like most of us do daily on any given social network. If you’re passionate about whatever, you make a blog entry. To each their own. Nevertheless, we can’t persecute ONE person for something that EVERYONE does. LOL. The world doesn’t work that way. We can’t say TFA is wrong, and then…express our distaste for the latest episode of Law & Order. It’s the same thing – sharing an opinion.
We may not agree with what’s been said.
We may not like that this has happened.
But…if you put something out there for the public-eye…criticism, praise, and dismay should be expected. We can’t expect everyone to “like” what we put out there.
I can see “how” all of this might have been seen as an attack. This goes ABOVE AND BEYOND simply leaving a negative review. I can’t imagine how time-consuming making a blog, multiple videos, and replying to comments was. All of which CAN be seen as an attack.
But at the bottom, the base of it all…only a difference of opinion has been shared, which isn’t something that warrants being reported. (Again, while I may not agree, I don’t see this as a reportable offense. Sue me, if I’m wrong) And for everyone to be so riled up about it is ridiculous. LOL.
Most people know what to do with criticism. They consider the source, take things into consideration, but many won’t judge something based on one person’s take on it. How many times have we watched Robert Ebert go on and on and yet…we’ll think to ourselves, “I’m still going to see it” and most times we don’t agree with the critics afterward.
Good, bad, or indifferent – TFA, undoubtedly, shined a spotlight on the author/the story, and I’m sure a great many who’ve read this blog entry and saw the vids, will click the story link to check it out.
Hey, it might be their cup of tea, right up their alley – something they’d enjoy. Personally, I’ve enjoyed a couple of stories that EdwardsSouthernBella has written. And on her behalf, I’ll thank TFA for the free publicity.
As a fanfic author, I had to learn a long time ago (although it does/can hurt something fierce) that I’d be judged along with my stories, that everyone wasn’t going to be a fan, that people can and will be assholes while stating something negative, IF they wish. And that it’s all par for the course since my stories are out there, available for anyone to see and whatnot.
It doesn’t matter if you’re well-known, unknown, an amateur, or a veteran writer…we all find ourselves scrutinized at one time or another. In the world of fanfic, almost everyone is an amateur writer. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been doing it. For example, I’m still learning new techniques/new ways of writing, and I still cringe when I go back and read my earlier stories. Never have I ever (nor has anyone else within the fanfic community) claimed to be William Shakespeare, but writing is something that gets better the more you do it. We practice. It’s our hobby, and we all enjoy doing it. Long story short, the caliber of writing is inconsequential. If someone/anyone doesn’t like your story, they might just tell you, and they’re allowed to do so – whether they’re polite or mean.
One person’s point of view can hurt. It can negate the hundred other reviews of praise you’ve received. (I don’t know why that is, but it is what it is.) And in the fanfiction community, tearing others down seems to be a good time – people ENJOY IT, and while I can’t understand THAT logic, there’s nothing to stop it from happening.
We have to agree to disagree and accept that we all have differing tastes. And that we’re all guilty of sharing opinions, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We’ve ALL read a story or many and made a face, made disgruntled comments, like “WTF did I just read?” We may not voice our opinions but whisper them to our friends behind closed doors, via a private chat and/or email – but everyone has opinions.
(Basically and essentially, anything you put out there can and will be judged. We can all read the same sentence, and each of us will take something different away from it. Just like I’m sure a few will read this comment and totally misconstrue it. Before I get a reply, I’d just like to add that I’m only responsible for what I’ve said, not what YOU THINK I said. So, always remember to read carefully.)
Actually, to be completely honest, the content/what was said in this blog entry is irrelevant. Again, I don’t agree, I’m not defending TFA, but I’m defending his/her right to say it. If we’re going to persecute ONE, then we gotta crucify each and every person who leaves a negative review.
Because, how can one be OK and the other wrong…?
Alas, we can’t do that. That’d make us all guilty, that’d make us ALL hypocrites.
If we despise hate, and if we hate being censored, then how dare we hate on another individual and try to censor them? Makes about as much sense as having an asshole on your elbow.
And what’s good for the goose . . .
TFA, you have my blessing. Please point readers in my direction by adding this to your reading list: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9693024/1/Bold-Gestures I look forward to your review/response. Enjoy!
Thank you for your extraordinarily long reply, sexylexicullen. I don’t feel there is anything to add to your comment, and I mean that literally, you said everything and I’d just be repeating something if I tried. I’d be happy to take a look at one of your fanfictions, though the list of requests has been far more than I anticipated in just one day so it may be a while before I get there.
I very much respect your rational opinion on the matter, and will take your words as constructive criticism.
Thanks again,
TFA
I’m fairly used to addressing the Twi-Fic Fandom, and most warrant a long-ish, detailed rationalization because, a great many need things spelled out for them. You say one thing and exclude another – you leave shit open to interpretation – and people will put words in your mouth. Then the ridiculousness of an argument ensues via the internet, of all things . . .
If this is something you plan on doing longterm, take this ^ the above reply ^ as advice.
Write with clarity and always be very thorough!
You know what. This is fucking wrong. Not only are you disrespectful to the writers but also the millions of fans who read the stories we all write. Your also a chicken! Why don’t you let people know who you are? Show them who’s the one picking on hard working writers. I know for a fact that not only the writer you made this video about but also hundred other writers I know work hard on there stories. I know I do. I put my heart and soul in my stories I write.
STOP BEING A FUCKING ASSHOLE!!
Thank you for your reply. I disagree wholeheartedly. You seem to be under the impression that hard work somehow in itself merits praise regardless of the result. This couldn’t be further from the truth. This is the very mentality that rewards mediocrity and why it is so widespread today. The “A for effort” mentality, if you will. This works great in delusions but by no means in reality. Take myself for instance. If I worked hard on my critique, should I not, in your opinion, be praised? If so, why are you here? If not, why not? I smell a double standard that has little to do with my critique itself and everything to do with who you call a friend. Think about that next time you try to walk the moral high ground.
Your comments are more hateful than anything he has said.
hypocrisy much, ceemeetu?
I was talking about them, not you 🙂
I don’t think anything is wrong with this blog.
I actually can’t wait to see what he reviews next.
The videos are a little creepy, but I usually am creeped out by masks and extremely long noses.
So as not to be accused of hiding behind a pen name, especially for those who feel inclined to personally insult me, me being an idiot and loser… wizards30 is my pen. Patricia Lyons is my name. I’m sure we’ve meet in one or more of the Facebook fanfic groups.
I’m opening myself up to abuse here I know, but I have to get this off my chest.
I’ve just read this post, and have seen numerous comments on Facebook asking people to report it. I fail to see what this person is doing that would actually warrant reports. It may not be particularly “nice”, but it is a critique of a body of work, NOT the author. Have any of you commenters here read a critique in a newspaper? You will find something similar to this, provided the author of said review believes the work to be subpar.
This is not abusive; it is not making jibes about the author’s character. It may be hurtful, but as the Fanfic Assassin pointed out, to any down-to-earth author it will be either be water off a duck’s back or a means to better their work, heaven forbid any author need to actually improve. (I honestly hope this author, a lovely person, does take the criticisms here onboard). And you know what? I shouldn’t be slated for saying that.
So, though it is natural to want to rally around friends, please take a step back and accept the good with the bad.
P.S. Before you accuse me of being a closeted loser who has no life, you’d probably be surprised who I am in the fandom. Food for thought.
I totally agree. This should be taken as constructive criticism and used to better yourself as an author. There is no personal attack on the author. I think anyone who read this story might actually agree with some of his points. We don’t have to love every story. This is his first post. Give him a chance. Maybe the next review he does will be glowing. Just because he didn’t like this story doesn’t mean he won’t like all of them. People are allowed to have opinions. We can’t go on witch hunts just because we don’t agree with the way someone thinks. Not every story in the fandom is great. We all know this. Why is it okay to say you don’t like a story behind the author’s back, but not in a public forum? It is okay not to like something.
It is okay to not like something. I don’t like the color pink. Are all the pink color lovers going to go after me next? Grow a backbone. If you can’t handle a critique of your writing you will never make it as a published author.
Agreed. Unfortunately, things have gotten so bad around the Twi-Fic fandom, everyone sees constructive criticism as a flame/negative review. Basically, anything that is NOT praise, is automatically a flame, and the reviewer a troll. It’s ridiculous.
You are an idiot wizard30! Have you seen the crap he is spewing all over Youtube. You are obviously just as bigger loser as he is! Defiling other people work is low and hiding behind a mask shows just what a coward he is!!!
wizard30 is ***********. She is nasty on FB so she will be nasty everywhere. Don’t expect from her too much because everyone knows what kind of person she is.
TFA Edit: The name has been redacted. While I do not appreciate censorship, I won’t allow baseless claims or attempts to expose others’ identities between posters in my comment section.
Thank you for your comment, Mich. You mean I’m “defiling” the stories the way Fanfiction authors “defile” (your word) the original work? That’s a hefty accusation, especially seeing as the YouTube videos I posted are word for word how her story reads. The only thing I did was give the characters voices, which the author, obviously, couldn’t do. So if the “crap” you’re talking about is anything but my interpretation of her characters, then your problem is with the story itself, and not anything I did with it.
A thief at work!! Stealing other people’s stories? You should be ashamed of yourself!! But of course you wont be as people like you have no shame!
Thank you for your concerns, but I don’t understand what you’re talking about? What exactly have I stolen?
Could you please review anything from Sheviking or Twiddler83? I would be happy to see you reviewing their stories.
https://www.fanfiction.net/u/2073305/sheviking
https://www.fanfiction.net/u/2490708/Twiddler83
Added to my list, thank you!
Jesus/Hitler pairing https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6130321/1/Jesus-and-Hitler-A-Romance
Jesus/Judas pairing https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8847233/1/The-Truth
I also wouldn’t mind seeing a review of one of your favorite fan fictions.
Sure thing, I’m adding it all to my list.
Does anyone here understand the above critique, review, was done so about a body of written fictional work and not in any way a personal attack on the authors character or person. Please help me to understand how a person is deemed worthy of harassment, cyber stalking and bullying, simply for articulating his or her literary criticisms.
I have witnessed these same disparaging comments, name calling and person attacks, follow blogger, The Fan fiction Assassin, from Facebook to youtube to his own blog.
How do any of you justify your own behavior? Belittling and insulting a person in such a school yard manner.
Retaliation, harsh words, would be justified yet The Fan fiction Assassin has shown himself to a gentleman by not digging a hole deep enough in which to reach the same level most you have reached here with your comments & attack on his person.
Thank you very much, Wizard30. I have to say it’s good to see someone who understands what I’ve been doing here. I don’t hold a grudge against anyone who came here in the defense of a friend whose ego might not have been able to handle my criticisms with any sort of aplomb or decorum. I don’t see any need for personal attacks, but I understand why people would be compelled to launch them.
Thank you again!
TFA
While everyone has a right to their own opinion, I have to say you take this a touch too far. You do realize people write fanfiction primarily for the purpose of entertainment? If SouthernBella were a New York Times best selling author, then I could see a justifiable reason behind this blog. However, you target an amature writer and expect something along the lines of Steven King?… It feels as if you are grasping at straws in a vain attempt to make yourself look better than your “lessers” (as you so eloquently make her appear to be). So what if her writing style isn’t to your liking? Last I checked, no one is forcing you to read any of this work you so obviously detest. If she doesn’t want to check her facts or police procedures, that’s on her.
Find a new hobby. Like removing yourself from that high horse you’re currently perched upon.
P.S.- try being a normal person. Get your rocks off on porn. Its free and all over the internet.
Thank you very much for your reply! I’m happy to see my first truly constructive criticism. You’ll be surprised to know that I very much enjoy the fanfictions I read and don’t expect perfection from the authors. All that I’m truly looking for is effort and this author definitely had that. As I said to a commenter earlier, “We grow from criticism, not droning affirmations of out own perfection,” or something close to that.
I always hold valid criticisms in the highest regard, so thank you again.
While critisism is always welcome, these ramblings go too far. You’ve missed several parts of criticizing in a good way; you do it in private not on a public forum; you don’t break the person down completely, but try to voice your opinion in a constructive manor.
The way you choose to convey your critisisms are lowly and the sign of a bully. Before you go on and criticize others use you’re eloquent English major to write your own fanfiction literary masterpiece and give us all a chance to tear you down.
I appreciate your comment but have to disagree. Things placed willingly into the public eye are open to public scrutiny. I’m not sure how my legitimate, and frankly simple, criticisms of a work would do anything to tear a person down unless their ego had been artificially inflated to critical mass and was waiting to burst at the lightest touch.
While I understand your need to “expose” yourself to the masses via Twilight fanfiction, it would behoove you to at least get some of your insults and critiques correct. What you have in fact done is give nothing but an amateur opinion and I’m sure you know what we all say about those with opinions, right? Your end result was not as expected, I’m sure; hoping for a loyal following of other closeted basement haters but in reality, you’ve simply garnered many, many laughs…at you.
Thank you for your comment. It’s nice to know that so many have found humor in my commentary. To tell the truth I was worried that I may be faced with an army of minions and peons whose sole purpose was to spew bile at me for no reason other than to exact vengeance for daring to criticize something they’re fond of, regardless of how justified said criticisms are. But you’ve alleviated those fears, so thank you.
There is Jesus and Hitler smut fanfic.
I wouldn’t mind seeing your review of that.
Thank you for your suggestion! If you have a specific fanfiction in mind, please provide me a link, and I’d be happy to oblige. I can, and probably will, go digging for it on my own, but for the sake of expediting the process and making sure that I get the one you’re most interested in, a link would be most appreciated.
Ur an ass. Be a man of conviction take off ur mask and talk ish!!! Rite. Didn’t think so. Your nothing but a bully.
“You’re an ass. Be a man of conviction and take off your mask and talk (untranslatable)!!! Right. Didn’t think so. You’re nothing but a bully.”
I’m assuming that’s what you meant to say, so thank you for your nearly incoherent reply. So my question to you is… Which mask?
Wow, the amount of time and research you spent on dissecting a piece of fanfiction is mind-boggling. You must have quite a bit of time on your hands to have squandered this much of it on a Bella and Edward story. It’s rather sad that you apparently have no life, no wife (or girlfriend, or perhaps boyfriend?), no kids, no worthwhile hobbies, or maybe not even a job to keep you occupied. Because if you did have any of these, you wouldn’t have the time to make such a sacrifice for the “benefit” of the literary world. You really should log off the internet and go hug someone in your life who cares for you. Perhaps they’ll hug you back….
Thank you for your comment! I’m sorry that it took so long for me to reply, I was out with friends. I appreciate your concern and suggestions for ways to improve my social life. It’s nice to see I’ve already made such a personal connection with a fan.
Pathetic. Truly you are. Get a life, or a job instead of sitting there for hours trying to put someone down. Douchebag.
Thank you for your comment. I hear your concerns and assure you that I do in fact have a life, job, and don’t spend much time trying to put people down. I do not personally own any feminine hygiene products, though I’m sure that there are some around here somewhere.