The Fanfic Assassin

*Disclaimer* The Fanfic Assassin is a satirical character, and any similarity between him, or any of the characters he interacts with, and persons, either real or imagined, is intentionally coincidental.

TFA in Profile

The embodiment of the idea of the perfect man, Edmond Carmichael has no choice but to become the man people hope for, dream of, and most importantly, write about, but his mask protects him from the influence, a cosmic loophole that allows him to fight back without becoming the slobbering, possessive lap dog that so many yearn for.

His problems aren’t new, though they’re far more serious than they used to be. Sprung into existence 50,000 years ago out of the very first symbolic human thought—a woman dissatisfied with her husband’s pathetic hunting abilities imagined a better mate for herself—he’s struggled to keep his own identity ever since.

Finding himself at many of history’s most memorable events—the invention of the wheel, the sacking of Troy, the Third Crusade, The French and American Revolutions, and the premiere of the movie “Biodome,” Edmond has seen it all. In the case of Biodome, he wishes he could unsee it.

When an ex-lover wrote a series of books about him, and the popularity of those books inspired others to write an endless stream of fanfiction, Edmond was left with no choice but to fight back. In extreme cases, he must go to the source and destroy the author’s computer to slow them down, but more often than not, it’s enough just to review their work.

Snarky, sarcastic, poignant, acerbic, and other fluffy words that make him sound good, Edmond toils through a work line by line, adding his special brand of humor to a genre that often takes itself way too seriously.

But don’t just take my word for it; after all, I’m biased. Have a look at these glowing recommendations people are leaving in the comments.

What a way to waste time… I honestly find your entire blog amusing, but only because it makes me realize what a loser you are. A grown man (?) who has nothing better to do than to mock other people’s hobbies because he enjoys putting down others to make himself feel better…


This is the most ridiculous, pathetic thing I’ve ever seen. I like snark and sarcasm as much as the next person, but usually they know how to deliver it. This will be my first and last visit.

-A Real Person

Pathetic. Truly you are. Get a life, or a job instead of sitting there for hours trying to put someone down. Douchebag.

-Helen Lake

Wow, the amount of time and research you spent on dissecting a piece of fanfiction is mind-boggling. You must have quite a bit of time on your hands to have squandered this much of it on a Bella and Edward story. It’s rather sad that you apparently have no life, no wife (or girlfriend, or perhaps boyfriend?), no kids, no worthwhile hobbies, or maybe not even a job to keep you occupied. Because if you did have any of these, you wouldn’t have the time to make such a sacrifice for the “benefit” of the literary world. You really should log off the internet and go hug someone in your life who cares for you. Perhaps they’ll hug you back….

-FreeWriters Readers

While I understand your need to “expose” yourself to the masses via Twilight fanfiction, it would behoove you to at least get some of your insults and critiques correct. What you have in fact done is give nothing but an amateur opinion and I’m sure you know what we all say about those with opinions, right? Your end result was not as expected, I’m sure; hoping for a loyal following of other closeted basement haters but in reality, you’ve simply garnered many, many laughs…at you.


Ur an ass. Be a man of conviction take off ur mask and talk ish!!! Rite. Didn’t think so. Your nothing but a bully.


…The way you choose to convey your critisisms are lowly and the sign of a bully. Before you go on and criticize others use you’re eloquent English major to write your own fanfiction literary masterpiece and give us all a chance to tear you down.




…Find a new hobby. Like removing yourself from that high horse you’re currently perched upon…


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25 comments on “The Fanfic Assassin

  1. Whats up very cool site!! Man .. Excellent .. Amazing .. I’ll bookmark your web site and take the feeds also?I am happy to search out numerous useful information right here within the publish, we’d like develop more techniques in this regard, thank you for sharing. . . . . .

  2. Hi, do you take requests? If you do, then please take a look here:

    This chick’s fics are horrible with a capital WHAT.THE.FUCK?!!

    The one I linked below, she actually stole the first part of from another writer, which she vehemently denied doing, but I knew the original writer from another site, so I know she stole it. Then she continues it with her own AWFUL writing. I don’t know why readers continue to praise her shitty writing.

    I would love to see you do a parody of some of her stories.

    Thanks, and keep up the good work!

  3. Do you ever extend the courtesy of offering the authors whose work you review to respond in any way? Do you let them know you post your reviews on this blog and do you invite them to comment? I have read a couple of your posts, and it does feel like a one-way street, which diminishes their value. While I do agree with many things you bring up, your criticism could be of a more constructive nature, because it is not without merit. You do touch upon many valid issues that are characteristic of multiple fandoms: lack of character development, inserting oneself into the story, poor grammar and style, bad sentence structure, etc, and above all it’s idiotic plot and the absence of common sense and logic that the characters (the author) exhibit. Yes, all these things can be frustrating to the reader; however, let us remember that the purpose of fanfiction is not to create a literary masterpiece. I hope your blog will help many of us fanfic writers to improve ourselves, not only to avoid snark and sarcasm but to raise the bar.
    You mention you are working on a positive review – I would very much like to read that once it’s up on the blog.

    • P.S. I looked up one of the stories you reviewed on and I did see your note informing the author of An Unforgettable Pair about the post on your blog. Have you ever gotten a response from her?

    • I’m sorry that I’ve taken so long to get back to this post, I just haven’t had time until now. I’m not sure if you’ve had a look around, but I’ve got a couple of positive reviews up. You can find them here:
      The latter is still a critical review, but of a well written piece that I liked quite a bit. The author even left a comment thanking me for reviewing it.

      I’m glad that the points I’m making are appreciated, and I do work hard trying to stay inside the realm of poignant comedy and away from plain mockery. I don’t have anything against the authors themselves, nor do I mean any offense to them personally. I’m merely judging the work as it is. It may not be intended to be high literature, though a lot of authors seem to treat their work like it is, but in my opinion everything should be held to a high standard. I’d love the opportunity to dialogue with the authors though none of them has come forward to do so. The closest I came was when edwardsouthernbella sent her legion of minions after me, and even then I tried to treat them with the respect that they were clearly weren’t offering me.

      I quite enjoyed your comment and hope we get a chance to talk again in the future.

  4. Lol… This is the type of blog that would get a lot of hate comments, but keep it up man. I hate fan fics too. Have you seen/heard of/read My Immortal (the infamous “worst fan fiction ever”)? Not saying that you should critque it, cuz it probably has plenty hate mail and it’s so horrible no one takes it seriously any more, but that just comes to show you how hopeless the fanfiction world is.

    • I have heard of it, and enjoyed it immensely.

      I wouldn’t say that I hate all fanfiction, but a lot of it to be sure. I think, even as I’ve worked on this blog, that my opinion of it has changed drastically.

      While I appreciate the stuff that’s well written, I also wonder why those authors write Fanfiction instead of working on something origional unless they’re looking for the easy sauce route to “legitimacy” that is pull to publish.

      There is the stuff that is so bad it’s good, like “My immortal” or “Brewdening Love” that are famous because of it, and I’d say I enjoy those.

      But to be completely honest the gap between what’s good is massive. If it’s not atrocious then it’s likely very meh. But such is the nature of the world of amateur productions.

      Thank you for leaving me a comment. I hope you enjoy my material and, ya know, tell everyone you know about that hilarious masked bastard you found on the Internet.

  5. You’re hillarious. I think I’m in love with you.

    Just out of curiosity:
    a) how old are you?
    b) who hired you to do this (wife/gf/sister?) or do you really read ff for kicks?
    c) will you make sweet, gentle love to me?


    • For starters, this is one of the greatest comments ever. I mean who doesn’t enjoy getting solicited on the internet first thing in the morning? But to answer your questions…

      a) I’ll always be young

      b) No one hired me. A friend introduced me to ff last year and I came up with the idea a few months ago.

      c) Unfortunately, I must decline. I don’t think I have what you’re looking for. You see, making love to me is seldom sweet, and never gentle.

      • My heart is broken. I’ll console myself by admiring you from afar and longingly wish for the not-to-sweet love we could make together.


  6. I wouldn’t mind seeing a review of a fan fic (from any fandom) that you like. Something well written and with a good plot.

  7. What a way to waste time… I honestly find your entire blog amusing, but only because it makes me realize what a loser you are. A grown man (?) who has nothing better to do than to mock other people’s hobbies because he enjoys putting down others to make himself feel better.

    I feel sorry for you and your lack of respect for the people that you’re mocking.

    Get away from the computer and get a life.

    • Thank you for your comment. I’m sad to say that there will never be a time in my life where I’ll be considered a grown man. I like to keep a youthful attitude.

      I get the impression that you don’t much appreciate criticism in any form. For that I apologize. It’s through criticism that we grow, not through droned affirmations of perfection.

  8. I may be in the minority, but I think you’re hilarious. I hope I never piss you off or enter your radar, but I still think you’re funny.

    • Thank you for your kind words, Nikki. Fear not, I don’t get pissed, and if I were to, I’d never let it affect my opinions. The works stand for themselves, and to tell the truth, I’ve really enjoyed all the fanfictions I’ve written reviews for so far, despite how critical I am of them. You can expect to see more in the next few days.

  9. This is the most ridiculous, pathetic thing I’ve ever seen. I like snark and sarcasm as much as the next person, but usually they know how to deliver it. This will be my first and last visit.

    • Thank you for dropping by to say that you wont be back. Your insubstantial and non-specific criticism is greatly appreciated. I take the suggestions of my fans very seriously, and will definitely take your advice into consideration.

      Thanks again,

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