I woke up in a coffin.
“Well, this is just fucking great!” I moaned cheerfully.
I struggled, confused and bewildered as I was, to get out, but nothing seemed to work. I knew the consequences of using my space wizard powers too many more times, but for the love of my suitward, I had to get out alive.
When I got to the surface, I found Emmett there, sobbing and slurping up some Parkay. He gasped when he saw me, wiping the tears from his eyes, and took another draw from his bottle of liquid fake butter.
“My love, I was here to kill myself because I just couldn’t go on living without you,” he said sincerely.
“Dry your weary eyes, my beautiful creature, for I, Edward, have risen from the dead to save you,” I stated boldly, wrapping his muscular form in a tight embrace. “I have other news for you. I’m pregnant, and it’s twins.”
Emmett smiled and stomped on my foot. “I can’t believe it, Edward. We’re going to be daddies.”
“Indeed we are,” I rasped. “I want a drink.”
“Here,” Emmett said, handing me his half-empty Parkay bottle. “I’m giving up the sauce.”
I took a sip and spat it out. “I prefer I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.”
The next day our children were born, a boy and a girl. I suggested we name them Seth and Leah, and Emmett chose Alec and Jane. We let Jamcob decide, and he chose Cher and Gaga.
It was years before I discovered their terrible secret. They were Space Wizards, too. It all became clear. To me, anyway. You people have no idea what’s going on.
Emmett couldn’t kick his habit and ballooned up to nine hundred pounds. It was just more of him to love. He continued his job as a personal trainer, the most popular trainer in Los Angeles. We ran twenty miles a day together with the wind in our hair and crabs in our pubes.
But one day Emmett collapsed on our run.
“My sweet love, the right side of my body is numb,” he chortled.
“Oh, my chocolate pudding, I put the cell phone in fat pocket C27.”
Emmett reached into a fold underneath his arm pit and pulled out a phone. He dialed 911 and we waited for the paramedics, who turned out to be two scrawny women. They lifted him onto the gurney with ease and loaded him into the back of a smart car ambulance. It felt good to be fuel efficient as well as headed to the hospital.
We took off, leaving the kids to fend for themselves in the forest.