Chapters 1-6


*Disclaimer*

This story, and therefore the review, has a heavy focus on a particular religion—Christianity. I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that I’m not picking specifically on Christianity; this could have been about any religion on the planet, even the atheistic/secular ones, and I’d treat it with the same level of contempt. That being said, if you find yourself offended by the jabs I take at your personal religion, pretend it’s someone else’s and just enjoy the crazy.

They’ve begged, they’ve pleaded, they’ve promised sexual favors (which I’m holding them to by the way). A work so colossally bad that it’s rumored to have singlehandedly driven the Tasmanian tiger extinct, killed JFK, instituted apartheid, caused all the famine in Africa, built the German bombs that were dropped on London, orchestrated the slave trade, ravaged the Brazilian rainforests, and clogged my toilet last September, all before it ever even existed.

I won’t keep you in suspense any longer.

It’s “Virginal Bella!”

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9953742/1/ by Gooseonline https://www.fanfiction.net/u/3340516/

I normally try to avoid directly insulting an author; though I am guilty of that on occasion, I just don’t think it’s in good taste. I’m almost certain I won’t be able to prevent myself from doing it here. In the spirit of “Idontgiveafuckery,” I’d be remiss if I didn’t take a look at this authors profile and poke around.

I only write or read ExB (Edward and Bella) and will stop if Edward or Bella cheat on each other or if Bella is with Jacob in anyway besides friends

That’s weirdly specific, not that it’s a problem really. I won’t eat anything with mushrooms in it.

only like HEA (Happily Ever After)

That’s… fucking stupid. I understand that a more accurate way of explaining what this means would be to say that the author only likes stories where, no matter what, Bella and Edward end up together. I’ll try not to be too judgmental about this, but that’s some kindergarten bullshit. I wouldn’t be surprised if the next few lines were, “Only like grape popsicles”, and “Only like Jell-O brand pudding cups.”

I like to have the facts correct in my stories I research heavily to try and get my facts correct, so if you see that I have got a fact wrong please let me know through pm

Admirable. Quite so, in fact. I’m looking forward to this thoroughly-researched story, and I’ll be sure to point out any facts that might be wrong, according to the author’s own request on her profile page.

I have two stories being written and betaed right now. One it’s a stand alone the other is the sequel to The Shipwreck.

And their names are…?

I have pictures that go with my stories they are in the Facebook group

https://www.facebook.com/groups/164128677075264/

Goose

Umm, okay. So are you saying that you’re writing a picture book?

Chapter 1

I was starting grade ten at St Mark’s school for boys.

*cough* There goes that whole “research heavily” promise down the drain on the very first sentence. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. Now I’m depressed. Here in America, we call that the 10th grade, or sophomore year. Also for the sake of clarity, this author is Australian, and her story takes place in the US.

I walked in to my English classroom and sat down at my desk.

Why not somebody else’s desk? Goody-two-shoes pansy ass.

“Good morning class” Sister Foalen said.

“Good morning Sister Foalen” the class said at once just as we did every morning.

Ugh, already starting with the message of conformity, are we? That didn’t take long. Disgusting.

“Ok class this year we will be writing to a student from St Mary’s the writing task will last the whole year and while you are waiting for a reply we will be studying the book titled ‘The Gift Of Life’ by Heather Walter.” Sister Foalen said.

This doesn’t appear to be a real book, and if it is, it’s so obscure that a Google search brings up this fanfiction before it does the original work. Then again, we should count our blessings and be thankful that this book is not actually real. There’s already a veritable cesspool of shitty literature out there as it is.

Sister Foalen handed out sheets of paper so that we could write our first introduction letters.

Why is the teacher handing out paper? Is that some Australian thing? Ten seconds of research would have shown that American schools don’t pass out loose-leaf paper to kids. Then again, I wouldn’t be caught dead in a catholic school, so I have no idea if they provide materials for the students, but given the way most catholic organizations need to save their money for relocating priests to cover up pedophilia, I doubt it.

Hello my name is Edward Cullen I hope this letter finds you well.

I am 16 years old and I have been living in Idaho Springs, Colorado all my life. I love the snow and I enjoy skiing, do you like snow and / or skiing?

How fucking original, someone from Colorado who likes skiing. Maybe if they were from Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, or another of Colorado’s many flat-as-shit neighbors, that tidbit would have been interesting. But I’m being rude. Please, continue, Edward.

I have two brothers who are the same age as me. We were all adopted by Esme and Carlisle at the same time.

And the same age… Explain to me how the fuck this couple was allowed to simultaneously adopt three male children of the same age who are not blood-related. Limit one per customer, numb nuts… or ovaries. I’m always making that mistake.

Emmett is the oldest by seven months and Jasper is older by four mouths. We have a pet husky named Rover.

More fucking originality. I won’t even dignify this with a mini-rant.

My favourites-

Hey, intensive researcher, Americans spell this word favorite. When you’re writing as a sixteen year-old American boy from Idaho Springs, Colorado, you’d better not mistake him for a guy who speaks the Queen’s English.

Food: Homemade is mum’s apple pie and takeaway I love a Big Mac’s with beetroot.

Fuckwit. Do your goddamn research. You can’t get beetroot at a McDonald’s in the US, though I am slightly disturbed that this is possible on any part of the world. It sounds absolutely vile.

Also, in this instance, mum is not the word.

Colour: A nice chocolate brown.

It’s color, Ms. Research Royalty.

His favorite color is “chocolate brown.” Won’t we all be surprised when we meet Bella and her eyes are described as… you guessed it! Chocolate brown. Coincidence? I think not.

Movie: Slap Shot 1

Yeah, I’m sure this sixteen year-old kid is over the moon about a 36 year-old hockey film. The more probable answer is that the author picked an old sports movie with a wintry theme because liking old things means you have good taste.

Yours faithfully with Christ,

I knew Yeshua bar Yosef, more commonly known as Jesus as his Roman oppressors called him, and he’d be ashamed that someone used his name in what has already turned out to be pap not worthy of smearing. Also, he’d wonder where this whole “Son of God” thing came from. He very clearly stated that he was a secular Jew who found Buddhist and Hindu teachings fascinating and didn’t much appreciate the hate and bigotry of Yahweh, the god of Abraham.

Edward Cullen

I don’t have a legitimate complaint for his name, but damn it, I’m making one anyway.

I wrote my letter and quickly folded it up and placed it in to the envelope, sealing it before passing it forward when Sister Foalen asked us to.

No. You finished the letter, not wrote it, unless I’m to assume that load of shit above is something other than him writing the letter.

A/N

this was written while i was in hospital with my son…(21-11-13)

thank you my beta and PRs

This had a beta?!?! And she sent this back to the author as “good to post?” I’ve heard of turning water into wine, but turning words into shit is a first.

Chapter 2

It was a week later when we got a letter back I quickly opened mine and read it.

Hey, Fact-check Queen, letters don’t travel that fast. The letter would have to be written on first thing Monday morning and mailed out the same day to be received by the other student Wednesday. The return would have to be written that day, mailed on Thursday, arriving back on Friday night to be there for Monday one week after the initial letter was sent. And that’s only if these letters aren’t going very far. Spoken like someone who has never sent a letter before.

Hello Edward, my name is Isabella Swan but I prefer to be called Bella. I am well thank you for asking.

I am 16 years old I live in Central City which is 20 minutes away from Idaho Springs. (I looked it up on google maps)

FFFFFFFFFUCK YOU, PARENTHESES! I know they’re somewhat acceptable in this context, but my contempt for them isn’t bound by the limitations of rationality.

Were these letters written with quills and parchment? The only reason to send a hardcopy letter at school would be to learn how to address them, and possibly discover something about another culture, but what could they learn from kids living 20 minutes away? Even then, this would be a project for grade school kids, not teenagers, plus any other method of sending this correspondence would be better for this type of activity, especially considering the internet exists in this world, meaning there is evidently e-mail, too.

I have lived here since I was 10, before I was living in Delaware but then something happened which I might tell you about later when we know each other better.

Tell me it’s not molestation again. It’s like everyone goes for the creepy Uncle Lester card for easy-mode drama these days.

 So we then moved to Colorado. I love the snow, I have no opinion on skiing as I have never done it… maybe you could teach me in the future.

Because we will surely meet, since this is fanfiction, and the plot must be obvious early on.

I have two sisters who like you are the same age as us.

You don’t say.

 We were adopted by Charlie and Renee as we were all left on the the steps of the church when we were six months old.

This whole “we’re all siblings and adopted, teehee” shit has already gotten old.

We are fraternal triplets my sister Alice and myself are a lot more alike than our sister Rosalie who looks nothing like us.

I guess that makes her the evil twin.

We don’t have any pets but we would love to have one.

My favourites-

Again, Americans don’t spell it this way.

Food: Homemade would be my own chocolate chip cookies that I drizzle milk chocolate over the top of them. Takeaway would have to be a double cheeseburger from McDonalds.

Patterns are starting to emerge in this story, but I just can’t pin them down.

Takeaway? Americans say “carry-out” or “take-out.” Maybe “To-go” if you’re talking about fast food.

From dictionary.com:

Takeaway: Chiefly British. Key word: BRITISH.

a. a takeout restaurant.

b. food from a takeout restaurant.

Another stellar example of painstaking research.

Colour: Green sapphire.

The color his eyes turn out to be. Also, Fact-checker, the great and powerful, sapphires are blue, emeralds are green.

Movie: It’s a tie between Twilight and The Notebook.

Bahahaha I see what you did there. You’re trying to make me choose between insulting a movie based on a Nicholas Sparks or a Stephanie Meyer book. I’ll let you know my decision soon.

If I was to walk in your house on a Thursday afternoon what would I find you doing? Me: You would find myself sitting in the window box reading ‘The Gift Of Life’ by Heather Walter as it is the book we are studying now.

That book doesn’t seem to exist, crazy people.

Yours faithfully with Christ,

Yeshuah, forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Bella Swan

Chapter 3

I read her letter a few time to make sure I had read everything and then I raised my hand in the air.

“Yes Mr. Cullen how can I help you?” Sister Foalen questioned.

“Sister I would like to reply to my pen friend, please may I have a few pieces of paper to respond to her?” I requested.

Use your own fucking paper, you freeloading douche. Why in the fuck did you call her a “pen friend?” You might want to be careful, your lack of knowledge of American terminology is showing again.

“Would anyone else like some paper to write back to their pen pals?” Sister Foalen asked and my brothers placed their hands in the air as well as a few other boys.

How charming.

“Ok I will give you 30 minutes before you have to stop and have to start to work on our books” Sister Foalen said.

So I got straight to work writing to Bella.

Yeah, you wouldn’t want to run out of time. Except that you end up writing a 188-word letter over a period of thirty minutes, so that’s an average of 6.2666 mind-numbingly inane words per minute. Get to it, speed demon.

Hello Bella, I was so happy to receive a letter from you, it made my day. Thank you.

Fuck, how shitty must his days be on a regular basis that a letter from a girl cheers him up? Then again, he goes to an all-boys school. Poor kid is probably starving for any female contact other than his “mum” and Sister Foalen.

I would be delighted to teach you how to ski.

You aren’t fooling me. I know what you’re thinking there, horndog, but given the title of this literary abortion, I’m betting you won’t get any.

As to what I would be doing if you walked in to my house on a Thursday you wouldn’t find me at home. I would be down at the local park throwing a football around with my brothers.

You’d be the only one. This is the era of video games and smart phones. The kid at the park throwing the football with his brothers is lovingly referred to as “that weird kid whose family can’t afford anything better than a ball.”

I am also studying ‘The Gift Of Life’ i’m finding it difficult.

An imaginary book that I’m going to guess is about reproduction, used at a religious school. How hard could it be to understand “’cuz God?” There are dogs all over the internet that understand the concept of putting their hands together in order to have their mundane and selfish needs met. How is that a hard concept for Edward to follow?

But I will ask my brothers to help, Jasper is very good with books.

“Good” how? Stacking them? Arranging them? Building little forts with “no girls allowed, that means you, mum” signs on them? Or is he simply able to read them, which is more than Edward can say for himself?

I want to tell you more about my brothers so I will. Emmett is the best big brother, you could ever have, he is always there when you need him he gives the biggest warmest bear hugs.

What teenage boy talks about their brother this way? Furthermore, how has it not occurred to the author that a group of teenage boys hugging each other all the time is highly unorthodox? Boys stop hugging around age 8 because that shit isn’t manly, especially if you’re cuddling your fucking brother. Maybe it’s my proximity to the Westboro Baptist church (being on the same planet), but isn’t this the prevailing motto of Christians with homosexual children?

Jasper is interesting he has the personality that can affect a whole room, he is able to bring the whole room to its feet or to tears with just his attitude.

Umm, this is an all-human fic, right? So that means he’s implying that his brother has Adolf Hitler/Alec Baldwin-type charisma?

Both of them always look out for me and those in trouble.

My heroes. Batmen in training, no doubt.

If you are comfortable please tell me about your sisters.

Especially the probability of three or foursomes.

Yours faithfully with Christ,

Need I go there again?

Edward Cullen

Just as I finished Sister Foalen called the class to order and we started to work on the book. I hope Jasper will be able to help me.

Yeah, 6.2666 words per minute.

A/N

would you like another chapter if so please review… i will be posting it sooner if i get reviews but it will be posted

later if not (12/25/13)

Tacky much? Holding your updates hostage until you’re paid a ransom in reviews… what kind of shit is that? Are reviews like currency? Does a positive review count for more than a negative one? Does a half-assed review like “Great chapter!” have value? Or is it just, as I suspect, an issue of quantity without quality? I usually like it when authors leave a little mystery about whether or not they want readers to get down on their knees, pucker their lips, and kiss their ass. If they get a Dirty Sanchez out of the deal, all the better.

Chapter 4

Another week went by and I was so excited when Sister Foalen handed me my letter, I quickly ripped it open and read…

Hello Edward,

Your brothers sound so nice and caring. I hope to meet them one day.

You will. I guarantee it.

You asked about my sisters so here goes..

My biggest sister is Rosalie and she is tall with long blonde hair, she likes to work on cars and all things automotive.

I refer back to the “crack that wrist” video I linked—she’s a bad Christian if she’s not in a dress and playing with dolls. Biggest? She can’t mean that Rosalie is her “big sister,” because you don’t refer to older siblings by “bigger sister” or “biggest sister” unless they’re fatter than you. Poor Rosalie… no wonder she wants to hide under a car.

My other is sister is Alice and she is the middle child. Alice is a short girl who has spiky black hair, she loves shopping and all things fashion.

I can see how the girls were born in a certain order, but how does being born 2 minutes after the first one qualify to make you a “middle child?”

There’s your good Christian girl! Into all things girly and inane. She’ll go far, that one.

They are the best sisters.

So these three are triplets. I’m assuming that Bella has her canon brown hair and brown eyes. Alice has black hair, and Rosalie’s a blonde. Now, applying my limited knowledge of genetics, I think it’s safe to say that this is impossible, or at least that Rosalie is the milkman’s daughter.

I hope your brother was able to help you with your school work.

Don’t you mean “I hope your brother was able to help you read your book for you because you’re illiterate”?

Yours faithfully with Christ,

Fuck off with the faithfully with Christ shit!

Bella Swan

I finished the letter with a smile on my face I could see myself loving this girl.

Could you? This girl you’ve never met and only exchanged all of two letters? Tell me, Edward, what exactly do you love about her? Is it the way that she likes to sit in a window and read the same imaginary book that you are apparently unable to comprehend? Is it that her taste in movies is completely different than your own but is, in fact, just as terrible? Maybe it’s that she has two siblings the same age as she is, just like you, and was adopted, just like you? Or it could be that it’s because you’re both so fucking milquetoast that there’s no one in the world that could possibly love either of you, so you must love each other or die alone in a dirty shirt. I’m banking on that one. I jest; I can easily see them being right for one another. They’re both as bland as a cup of warm water, and both hail from the land of improbable and insane coincidences.

The school day finished and I was walking home with my brothers.

In the era of helicopter parents and a 24-hour news cycle spitting out abduction reports all day?

“Who are you both writing to?” I asked them curiously.

Rosalie and Alice, duh.

“I’m writing to Rosalie Swan” Emmett said.

“Me, I am corresponding with a girl called Alice Swan” Jasper said.

See? I’m psychic. Or maybe this was just so fucking predictable that there was no other possibility.

“Dude sisters!” Emmett said giving Jasper a fist bump which he accepted.

Mother of fuck, must I really have this conversation? One does not accept a fist bump, they return it. Fist bumps are a mutual action, unlike a handshake which could be completed even if one of the people was in a coma. Don’t make this mistake again.

One thing in the sentence above intrigues me. Are the Swan sisters shemales? Emmett has just informed Jasper that they’re “dude sisters,” which implies that they are dudes who are also sisters. This story has a highly efficient beta, so if she meant for a comma to exist after the word “dude,” she would have put it there. Right? Edward, Emmett, and Jasper are in for a hell of a surprise! I can’t wait.

“How old is Rosalie?” Jasper questioned.

It’s cool, man, you’re both jail bait, so it’s legal.

“16, what about Alice?” Emmett enquired “16 as well” he informed Emmett.

“So you’re saying we are talking to twins?” Emmett asked clapping jasper on his back.

Or, like your family, no one is related and all the disembodied pieces of an average family have been assembled into some sort of frankenfamily. Don’t rule that out.

“No triplets” I spoke up which made them both stop walking and look at me.

I was hoping for triplets, but Edward dashed my dreams right there when he said “no triplets.” Kingdoms have fallen, relationships ruined, worlds destroyed, all because of a missing comma.

What must their letters have looked like if the only discernible information that has passed between them was names and ages?

letters

It’s like the author has forgotten that everyone else was exchanging information too.

“What do you mean Edward?” Jasper said.

“Yeah Jazz, what do you mean Edward?” Emmett asked.

What the fuck does “Yeah, Jazz” mean if he’s addressing Edward?

“Well I am talking to a girl called Bella, Isabella Swan and she is sisters with Alice and Rosalie.” I told them. Which garnered fist bumps all around.

“This is wicked as” Emmett exclaimed.

Finish the statement, Emmett. Wicked as what?

“Yes it is” I said.

“Yes it is” what?!?! You never finished the sentence! I can only assume you meant “wicked as hell,” but your super Christian sensibilities prevent you from saying the word for some fucking reason.

Chapter 5

It was a year later and I was still talking to Bella through letters as were my brothers who were talking to my Bella’s sisters.

What is with the possessive term “My Bella” popping up in so much Fanfiction? Why do these women want to be referred to as property?

It was a week before the big interschool dance when I wrote my latest letter.

I wonder if they’re going to go together.

Hello my beautiful Bella,

I would like to ask if you would do me the honour of accompanying me to the Snowfall dance.

Americans spell the word honor, Madam Fact Check.

If it’s yes (fingers and toes crossed) then I can’t wait to meet you for the first time.

I still hate parentheses!

She lives twenty minutes away. They’ve been corresponding for a full year, and they’ve never gotten together. Not even a phone call. Yeah, sounds legit.

I will be going either way as I will be hoping to meet you and your sisters as well as supporting my brothers.

Supporting them through what? It’s not like they’ve got cancer or anything, so why would they need support during a dance? Maybe they have peg legs that we have yet to find out about! Now that would be cool.

 We will all be in black suits with myself wearing a dark blue tie, Emmett will be wearing a red and Jasper a green one.

Line them up, and they’ll look like half a peacock.

I can’t wait to meet you Isabella.

Then don’t wait. It’s a 20-minute drive, you dunce.

Yours faithfully with Christ,

Again with the “faithfully with Christ” bullshit. We get it; they’re ninny hammer religious nutbags who believe a bronze age book plagiarized from the myths of the surrounding peoples and repurposed to fit the Canaanite Pantheon is literally true.

Edward Cullen

I got a response back three days later

Why in the fuck aren’t they using mother fucking e-mail by now? What god damned century is this?

Hello Edward

I would be delighted to accompany you to the dance. I am so excited to meet you.

OH MY GOD! PLOT TWIST! I did not see that coming.

As soon as Alice and Rosalie got their letters we all went out to buy our dresses we got them to match your ties.

That’s kind of cute, actually.

Our dresses are all the same type they have long skirts that reach our ankles and dad has even allowed us to wear high heels.

Skirts that reach your ankles? No way. I was so sure they’d break out the hooker micro-skirts and thigh-high boots. And why did they have to be “allowed” to wear high heels? What kind of repressed, ass backward, misogynist theocracy is that man running?

 My shoes are silver I have been practicing at walking in them so that I don’t trip at the dance.

I can’t imagine a single teenage boy that would find that sentence interesting to read. First, boys don’t give a shit about your shoes unless they have a fetish, and second, being an uncoordinated klutz is only endearing in books. Have you ever been to a dance with a girl that can barely stand up on her shoes? Yeah, not cute. Huge pain in the ass, especially if you’re not getting any.

I can’t wait to meet you either.

So we can exchange Christian side hugs.

Yours faithfully with Christ,

ENOUGH ALREADY!

Bella Swan

Chapter 6

When it was time for food the tables were sent up in numerical order but as St Mark’s taught us we served the girls first then went back for our own plates.

Eh, it’s a bit misogynistic, but what isn’t these days?

“Edward, Bella looks so gorgeous” Jasper said clapping me on the back.

Yes, brother-who-also-has-a-date, please talk about my date’s attractiveness, as it is quite obvious that yours is just background noise for our story.

“We need to get them on the sloops soon, Rosalie was begging me to teach her how to ski.” Emmett told us.

A sloop? That might be a little awkward going down the mountain. I don’t think you can ski on a single-masted, fore-and-aft-rigged sailing vessel, with or without a bowsprit, having a jib-headed or gaff mainsail, the latter sometimes with a gaff topsail, and one or more headsails. But you know what you can do with one…

“Thanks Jasper all the girls are stunning. Yeah lets do it first decent snowfall because Bella has asked me to teach her.

Drivel.

Jasper does Alice want to learn how to ski?” I asked him.

Drivel.

“I don’t know I can ask when we get back to the table.”

Drivel.

Jasper started and with that we all went our separate ways to collect our food.

What did Jasper start? To gag at how insanely dumb that dialogue was? Right there with you, buddy. Ipecac has nothing on that shit.

Collect our food? Is this thing a buffet? American schools don’t cater dances beyond snacks and something easily spikable to drink.

 I sat down besides Bella and started to eat my food.

You finally have her within your reach after a year of exchanging letters, and you choose to stuff your face instead of giving her all your attention. You have no idea how to treat a woman, kid. No wonder you won’t be getting any.

Once we all finished our main course, our plates were picked up.

So there’s wait staff as well. Expensive interschool snowfall dance, or whatever this shit is called.

Ben took Angela to the dance floor so we had the table to ourselves.

Who the fuck are Ben and Angela, and why the fuck do we care to hear about them?

“Alice would you like to learn how to ski if you don’t already know?” Jasper asked.

Don’t do it. It’s cold and awful, and if you have huge feet like me, it’s hard to steer the stupid skis, much less find a pair that fits you.

They’ve all been corresponding for a whole goddamn year, yet he still doesn’t know whether Alice knows how ski? Jesus fuck. What do they write about on those stupid letters? The latest episode of the 700 Club? “Pat Robertson is such a babe,” Alice said.

“I would love that, thank you Jasper” Alice said.

“Girls what is the chance that your dad would allow you to come with us on a trip to the snow?” I asked relaxing in to my chair placing my arm along the back of Bella’s.

Sly bastard. If he keeps practicing, he’ll be neck-deep in the backs of arms by the time he graduates.

“The trip would be chaperoned mum and dad would be come with us we would be in two rooms with an adult in each room” Jasper explained more.

I know you were busy fact checking all those other things that were so important to get right, but you must have missed the part about how Americans don’t call their mothers “mum.”

“What do you think Bella do you think dad would let us?” Alice asked.

You had to get permission to wear high heels. I’m fairly certain that he’d have a problem with his three daughters running off on vacation with their three boyfriends and those boyfriends’ parents. They’d be a little outnumbered when trying to prevent anyone from getting up to bat, much less keeping them off the bases.

“I think he would if he was able to speak to Carlisle and Esme.” Bella said sounding happy as she rested her head on my arm.

And what would he say to them? “Don’t let your sons pork my daughters. And also, be sure they don’t wear heels.”

I started to rub my thumb on the side of her shoulder.

Kinky. This is usually how fellatio in the bathroom begins.

I don’t know what made me start it just felt right.

Kid’s got instincts! Without ever being taught, he innately knew where the shoulder-rubbing might lead. Atta boy.

It was time for dessert, when our table was called.

So they skipped the numerical order thing this time and just went straight for the main characters’ table?

We went to get the girls their sweets after placing the plates in front of them we went to get our own.

Don’t lie. I know how wet so many of you women got thinking about a man serving you desert.

After the dance was over we were waiting outside for Charlie to pick the girls up to take them home.

I noticed Bella shiver so I quickly shed my jacket and placed it over her shoulders, she looked up at me.

“Take me, man meat!” she screamed as she tore my pants off.

“Thank you Edward” she told me standing on her tippy toes to place a kiss on my cheek as she would not kiss me on my mouth as we were told bad things would happen if you did kiss before marriage.

…………

standing on her tippy toes to place a kiss on my cheek as she would not kiss me on my mouth as we were told bad things would happen if you did kiss before marriage.

…………………………..

kiss on my cheek as she would not kiss me on my mouth as we were told bad things would happen if you did kiss before marriage.

…………………………………………….

she would not kiss me on my mouth as we were told bad things would happen if you did kiss before marriage.

……………………………………………….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bad things would happen if you did kiss before marriage.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!? WHAT CRAZY-ASS RELIGIOUS MIND CONTROL IS THIS? AND THEY BOTH KNOW ABOUT IT, SO IT’S SUPPOSEDLY NOT AN ISOLATED INCIDENT. BOTH THEIR FAMILIES HAVE TAUGHT THEIR CHILDREN THAT TERRIBLE CONSEQUENCES COME FROM KISSING BEFORE MARRIAGE! NO WONDER THEY DON’T PLAY VIDEO GAMES OR HAVE PERSONALITIES, THEY MUST NEVER LEAVE THEIR CAGES IN THE BASEMENT. NO ONE IS THIS NAÏVE, NO ONE IS THIS SHELTERED.

I’VE BEEN ASSURED THAT THIS STORY IS COMPLETELY SERIOUS, BUT I JUST DON’T SEE HOW THAT’S POSSIBLE. HOW HORRIBLY REPRESSED AND MENTALLY DEFUNCT CAN THIS AUTHOR BE, AND WHY HASN’T NATURAL SELECTION DONE ITS THING YET? THIS LEVEL OF IDIOCY IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO EXIST IN THE ENVIRONMENT!!

All right, I’m calm. Let’s just finish this chapter so I can save some raving for parts 2 through10.

“You are welcome” I said to her and a car pulled up to the curb beside us and a gentleman got out and opened the back door for the girls to get in.

That’s sweet of their daddy to do that.

They all started to hand back our jackets at the same time, Emmett and Jasper had given theirs as I had, but we waved them off wanting them to stay warm.

…They’re in a car, and I’m certain it has heat. I’m not sure what the fuck need there is to abandon your fucking jackets to them, but I’m sure as shit it didn’t serve any rational purpose.

I can see why people wanted me to review this so badly. But I can’t say that I’m not regretting having volunteered to review the whole thing. This is a nightmare, born of the simple yet twisted mind of what must be yet another crazy person whose mental instability is hidden behind hyper-religiosity. Please, I’m begging you, author. Seek professional help; there have been wonderful advances in psychiatric medicine, maybe it’s not too late!

I’ll see you all for the next part very soon.

25 comments on “Chapters 1-6

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  2. testing 1-2-3

    • Come again, Bravo, were were getting some chop on our end.

      • Are you ‘Godfather Actual’?

  3. if you don’t like my story stop READING IT

    • I don’t appreciate when people tell me what to do. It’s rude.

      I do like your story the same way everyone likes a hot mess. You may want to, but you can’t take your eyes off it.

      What concerns me is that, given the litany of legitimate critiques and the corrections I gave, your only response is that I should stop reading it. In the face of the overwhelming evidence of corrections you should make, to disregard them in such a flippant way strikes me as a bit glib.

      Maybe next time I’ll just save myself some time and be straight-up nasty instead of showing what needs work. That’s an idle threat, of course, I’m not that kind of person.

      Perhaps I should give you an instruction as you gave me: if you don’t like being critiqued, polish the turd before you put it on display.

      • I can’t find the story on ff.net. Has the author pulled it?

        • I believe so, which is sad, I was interested in a dialogue about it since I actually had the author show up to “defend” it.

          • It’s still available on https://fictionpad.com/author/gooseonline/stories/11047/Virginal-Bella

  4. Firstly, I shall agree with everyone else about laughing hard. Also, passing on my thanks for my aching abs. This was incredible. The ‘wicked as’ line gives me a hint that the writer is very young. That seems to be a saying of the young ones now. Just ‘wicked as’, nothing more.

    The sermon on limp-wristed boys has me disturbed. Especially his line ‘punch them’. What the Hell!?!? The laughter and agreement form the crowd was just as disturbing, but apparently child abuse is ok, this guy is giving ‘special dispensation’ to break the law! Holy Hell!

    Ok, back to the story. Or rather, your thoroughly amusing review. I, like everyone else, am perplexed at the horrible things that might happen to people that kiss before marriage. I completely lost my composure with the way you highlighted that line.

    Thankyou again for the laughs. I do feel sorry for you having to read more, but I promise to read it, if that makes things any better. Which I am sure it does. My readership is that important. I also believe the word sarcasm should be stricken from the english language, no-one uses such trite nowadays.

    • A very quick side note. The Tasmanian Tiger is spelt with an S. The fauna version of the Tasmanian Devil also has an S, just like the state they originate from and are named after. There is a long story behind Taz and copyright, however he is still my favourite Looney Toon 🙂

      -proud Taswegian ex-pat
      Gwyn

      • I’ll fix that, thanks.

  5. OMG I laughed so hard I woke up the dog and my hubby reading this late at night…. I cannot even read past the first paragraph of this before I would have hit that X button.

    Though thank you for the laugh last night and this morning. My mom was shaking her head by the time she got to your comment about the Catholic Priests.

  6. It was painful to read the original story, the mistakes where just so…Well there really is no word to describe them. I am curious if there was a beta because I find it hard to believe that they could have missed so many grammatical and spelling mistakes.
    I feel sorry for you, I can only imagine how hard it had to have been to sit there and read through this thing. I have to admit, I saw a few posts around facebook by the author complaining about reviews but I never went to read her story and now, thanks to you I am glad that I didn’t.

    On a lighter note, this made my fucking morning. I have laughed so much my stomach hurts, so thank you for that.
    I cannot wait to read your next review.

  7. Oh my…Whoever Your Higher Power May Be!

    Words escape me, probably due to lack of air from all of the laughing while reading your hilarious review! That cannot be real. It has to be a joke, or someone’s idea of a terrible joke. It reads as if it’s something written by an elementary school child and turned in for grading. Oh my…where to start?

    The writer has done her research? Obviously. Nuns no longer teach in American Catholic schools. This change started in 1970. I spent a year teaching kindergarten in a Catholic school with 2 computer labs. My only habit came in a pack of 20 & went up in smoke. Never saw a nun. What is the time setting? I can’t figure out if it’s present day or early 20th century! I thought at one point they might be Amish or even Mennonites, and then I remembered this was Colorado, and the part where the father picked them up from the dance? No horse and buggy! Long skirts to their ankles? What’s the point of the high heels? Don’t even get me started on the 20-minute distance, no phone call, no pictures, or the Internet, etc.

    The writer has a beta? I don’t know who’s worse; the writer or the beta! No punctuation, run-on sentences, phrases, and misspellings…I just can’t stop shaking my head! I know you committed to reviewing this disaster, and you have my sympathy. On the other hand, I can’t wait to read more of your scathing, yet laughter-inducing review! I’ll admit to even being hooked now! I’m dying know what those bad things are when you kiss before marriage…might explain my 1st one.

  8. Dear Edmond,

    How are you? I am fine.

    It didn’t take the dessert scene to make me wet. I was wet from “Good morning Sister Foalen”. But, It was flop sweat on behalf of Goose. I knew you were gonna kill again, with laughter of course. (Why do you hate parentheses so much?)

    Excellent carving Edmond. Onward.

    Yours Truly
    DS

    P.S. I caught a cold from being all sweaty. There was no nice young man to give me his jacket. I need the next installment of your review, fast. The full body laughing warms me up.

  9. Sister dudes and the pap that’s not worth smearing…or how I’ll forever remember this review.

    Perhaps when you see parentheses in these stories, you could think of them as traditional literary asides, which would be appropriate, since this shit is fucking tragic.

    To your detractors I’d say, this story is an excellent example of wanting desperately to wear the uniform without having practiced. It’s sticking a microphone in front of an idiot, who now thinks she has something important to say, and it isn’t as easy as simply not reading it.

    I don’t know if this is writing what she knows, or some fantasy scenario, I can only see how poorly written it is and how dull it is to read, and I won’t get into how much I abhor author notes. I don’t think anything you’ve reviewed so far bothers me like this one does. I have a feeling it will only make me angrier the further along it goes.

    I don’t like that you’ll have to waste your time finishing it, but I’ll enjoy reading about it, thank you for that…

  10. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!
    As promised, I will do 5-7 of these acts for you.
    http://www.campussqueeze.com/post/greatest-sexual-euphemisms.aspx
    You get to choose which ones.
    Your link didn’t go through completely on your review. I’m sure she is smart enough to figure it out.

    I’m sorry for the damage to your liver. I’m sure you went through a lot of alcohol to read this.

  11. Wow – what a hot mess. You must be snowed in wherever you are. I’m glad I never read it. Your review of this – it was pretty damn epic.

  12. Bless her heart.

  13. Again, I’m sorry you had to read this, and that you’ll have to read more. You need something to counteract the damage on human brain this story inevitably causes. Let me just say this: Eddie and Bella have been writing to each other for how long? a year? and they haven’t asked for a phone number to call or a pic to send “Hey, this is me!” So how did he know Bella is beautiful? Wishful thinking or is he somehow still a telepath like original Edward in Twilight? You could drive a fleet of trucks through holes in the so-called plot in this pathetic excuse for a story.

    I refuse to comment on everything related to religion, because it’s not really religion. It’s prudish idiotic idea of what pure romance, modern day Romeo and Juliette should be like. I wonder if this author has any children and if she would want her kid(s) to behave like this. This is such a stupid fantasy there’s no classification of stupidity I could apply here.

    I will state the obvious grammar issues, particularly the author’s strong dislike of commas. I guess bad things happen when you put too much of commas in your…

  14. You should be nominated for sainthood for reading and reviewing this fic. I sorta feel bad for you, but you’ve provided me with a lot of belly laughs today that I cant find it in me to ask you to stop.

  15. Are you SURE this story isn’t 110% satire? I mean, are you SURE, like, REALLY REALLY sure?? That’s just too horrible/fanatical/cultish to be believed!! I really hope the author didn’t chisel this religious propaganda with a straight face. Somebody wired that church wrong.

    “…bad things would happen if you did kiss before marriage.” Gingivitis? CAVITY SWAPPING? WHAT?? Inquiring minds want to know!

    *sigh* Don’t subject yourself to any more of this regurgitated (Bible) Thumper crap…it’s just not worth it except in that “church bus wreck you can’t stop watching” way.

    But if you do keep reading, we might find out what happens if –GASP– you KISS ****before*** marriage!!! *goes ahead and covers face with hands in pre-shock at answer*

    And on a completely related note, will Alka Seltzers help get rid of hiccups caused by laughing too hard?

    • I discuss the issue of satire in part 2.

      I’ve not read so far as to know what the danger of premarital kissing is but I’m sure it will be ridiculous.

      The problem for putting it down is that I said I would do it, and I’m a man of my word. Plus each part after this is a lot shorter and I’ll be able to start skipping things that I’ve covered and just mock them instead of critiquing.

      As for the hiccups, no idea. I’m usually able to force the trapped air out. Good luck though.

  16. I want to say I feel bad for you reviewing this whole thing. But I can’t, because I am laughing so fucking hard right now! I can’t wait to see what you thought of the rest.

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