Chapters 55-60

Chapter 55

“I think I will be very happy with six children. But what if we only get one girl wouldn’t you want another?” I asked her very interested in her answer.

Why the fuck would she want another?

“If we only get one then she will become the most protected princess of Colorado, that we will have to set some guidelines that will allow her to be a girl and do girly things with friends without a brother watching her every move.” My wife said.

Princess of Colorado? When did we switch to a monarchy? It must have been that one night I got drunk. I know Colorado is a blue state and all, but come on.

“Ok six it is then” I stated leaving no room for interpretation.

Damn straight. Show that breeding crazed bitch who’s boss. No interpretation in mah house!

We talked more about our kids discussing the combinations of kids we could get and we knocked around ideas that we wanted for our house we settled on the colours of the kids rooms, the six rooms were all going to be painted a different colour, sky blue, tan, cream, mint green, pale yellow and a bright yellow. we are going to have the furniture in an accentuating colour.

I’m so interested in the fucking color schemes for your kids’ rooms. Please, tell me more.

By the way, it’s COLOR.

Chapter 56

It was now week 25 and we had brought the house,

Brought the house? Like “brought the house down”? Party on, Garth.

with everyones help it was now ready for us to move in, mum had taken a few photos of each room so that my wife could modify the locations of the objects in that particular room, sometimes only one thing was moved like a picture or sometimes the whole room got reorganised.

What a load of inane, pointless shit.

this was the perfect way as it was less stress on Bella as this week was the correct due date as she was pregnant with sextuplets.

She is?!!? What the hell? Why didn’t you mention this before? I feel completely blindsided by this information.

 But as we all wanted to try and give the kids more time inside of her growing stronger. It was amazing to watch her belly move when our children did anything from kicking to making perfect impressions of a foot or hand through her skin sometimes i could swear that one of my kids was going to come out of her that way just like what happened in the movie ‘Alien’.

That’s too stupid to comment on. It’s dumb enough that it stands on its own retarded merits. Also, that’s an insult to Ridley Scott. I’m affronted for him. On that note, if those babies decided to burst out of her womb Alien-style, this story would take a sharp turn for the interesting.

As Bella was now on full permanent bed rest she wasn’t allow to leave our bed not even for showers or other bathroom things as dad said that gravity that would be placed on to her girly bits

as dad said that gravity that would be placed on to her girly bits

as dad said that gravity that would be placed on to her girly bits

This sentence was so beautiful it bore repeating… and repeating… and repeating.

 if she stood might bring about preterm labor. He had even arranged it so that she peed in a bag, myself or mum would give her sponge baths.

Meanwhile Emmett, the red-headed stepchild that he is, got to empty the catheter bag and bed pans, because fuck Emmett. Yeah, you can go to the bathroom while you’re on bed rest. The risk of infection from having a catheter and that infection spreading to the babies far outweighs the benefits of not moving for a one-minute stretch.

Dad walked in the room with the ultrasound machine.

Great. More child porn for the sicko bastard.

“Good morning kids its time for another check on your babies, I will be mainly looking at their position and how each affects the other children. maybe we can look at the genders again.” Dad said and started to run the wand over her belly.

Again with the fucking gender obsession! Stop staring at their genitals, you sick old fuck.

He pointed something on the screen a then turned it so that we could see our children.

“Ok this is why you are on bed rest see baby one girl is already in the birthing position, if you stood up you would go it into immediate labor and we don’t want that to happen yet.

I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think this is true… Sure, standing for too long would be a problem, but they don’t slide out like marbles. Babies barely fit through the vaginal canal and thus labor is very painful because God hates women and punishes them for being women, because he hates them… because they’re women… and he hates them because his logic is virtuously circular. But seriously, that’s what the whole dilation thing is for, so that babies don’t just fall out while you’re pooping.

The other kids are all getting into the correct locations as well it seems a total of five girls and one boy.” dad said.

Carlisle is the worst fucking doctor ever. Mistaking a boy for girls is fair, but seeing penises where there are no penises is not acceptable. There is no dick there, Carlisle. I’m truly concerned that you’re imagining so many baby cocks. It’s creepy. On a related note, is there such a thing as correct positions when it comes to being pregnant with six babies? Because as best as I can tell you’re full of horseshit.

Chapter 57

“So keep up the good work mum


 and we will be able to meet them in two weeks barring any complications” dad said then he left the room.

Didn’t they just say that they were due this week? Fuck it, I don’t even care anymore.

“Ok we have our house ready, Edward have you thought about clothes and diapers for them all?” my wife asked.

“No I haven’t, would you like me to get others to go and get them clothes?” I asked her.

“Can we do it together via the internet please?” Bella begged.

“Shh kitten yes we can do that let me go and get my laptop and we will go shopping” I told her giving her a deep kiss, as I lost all my kissing inhibitions now would kiss my wife when ever I wanted to. I could tell she was loving the new me as every time I pulled back from kissing her, her smile was brighter than the sun. I was so happy that I could do something so simple to please my new wife.

You want to see her happy? Eat that pussy, bro. Eat it like it’s candy.

I found dad as he was the last one to use my computer.

“Hi Dad, do you have my laptop we would like to buy some clothes and other things that our babies will need” I told him.

“Ok Edward I will go and get your computer and your mum


and I would like to buy the first set of clothes for our first grandchildren” dad requested unsure of how I would react to his offer.

He should be unsure. What a dick, trying to buy clothes for his grandchildren. Besides, doesn’t all Edward’s money come from a trust that was presumably set up by Carlisle? So wouldn’t that mean that Carlisle is buying everything for his grandchildren?

“Thank you dad that would be much appreciated” I told him and he went to get both his card and my laptop.

“Thanks dad” I told him and then walked in to our bedroom to find my wife sleeping peacefully she was so beautiful the epitome of motherhood.

First of all, that sentence sucks. Second, FUCKING PUNCTUATE, YOU AUSTRALIAN BABY-EATING DINGO!

I just quietly placed the laptop on the bedside table and curled up beside my my sleeping kitten and fell asleep.

Yeah, sleep next to the cat while your immaculately impregnated wife shivers in the cold. Fuck you, Edward.

Chapter 58

It was two hours later when Bella started to stir.

“Good morning Angel did you sleep well?” I asked her giving her a gentle kiss and she playfully nipped my nose.

“Edward I love you with my whole heart but if you dont feed me soon I will start to eat you, I am that hungry.” she said with a growl.

“What would you like to eat tiger?” I asked giving her nose a nip.

Am I crazy, or did he just rub his nipple on her nose?

“Bacon please can you send mum


in please?” she asked sweetly I knew to get out quickly just by the tone of her voice I learnt

Who’s Bacon? Why is she asking him to “send mum in”?

that the hard way the first time as I didn’t move fast enough for her, that time I stayed kissing her and she smacked me on the side of my head, then she told me that she wasn’t playing and to get her bacon NOW.

Umm… That’s spousal abuse. Also, what a cunt. “I’m pregnant and I want bacon now!” is not a reason to physically assault somebody. Throw that worn out pregnant bitch out on the street with a “pram” and find yourself a blonde girl so you guys can laugh at her when you pass her on the street. You know, like her nightmare.

So this time I didn’t hesitate and walked out of the room to get her the food that she wanted and mum.


Good boy for caving to the abuse of your spouse and just doing what she says without hesitation. That’s the foundation of any successful relationship.



Bella is asking for you” I informed her and she went straight to our room to find out what my wife wanted. While I got to work on her bacon every time anyone would cook bacon they we always cooked two pounds as Bella could eat most of the two pounds and usually an hour after eating the hot bacon she would crave cold bacon.

Two pounds of bacon? Disregard the health and cost issues involved. That’s just gross. Dump that bitch.

Chapter 59

It was the start of week 27 and it was the 17th of june we were three days away from the birth of our children the house was a beehive of activity. Everyone had got a lesson on the after birth care for the child that they were going to be looking after, Esme was going to receive baby one Emmett baby two, Rosalie baby three, Alice baby four, Jasper baby five and finally Charlie was going to get baby six.

That was a lot of unnecessary information. Really all you needed to say was that there would be someone present to take each child as they were born. I mean, you could have used that space to elaborate on how they each joined Carlisle’s punctuated nursing program and were now fully licensed and equipped to handle premature buns fresh out of the oven.

It was the day, Bella had been feeling contractions all through the night and they were getting close together now the room had been set up and the NICU beds had their warmers on and were waiting for each child.

If I might beat a dead horse for a moment, NICU beds are expensive. How do they… ahh fuck it. Carlisle probably also moonlights as a player and owner of the Denver Broncos or some stupid shit.

“Bella baby girl I think its time we are going to meet our kids in a few minutes”

I love this sentence. It’s exactly the kind of stream of consciousness that makes fanfiction readable. I also love that he’s assuming it will take “minutes” to give birth to six children.

 I told her helping her get out her clothes and picking her up I had draped a towel over her knowing that there would be need of access to both top and bottom of her body. I placed her on the bed and swapped the towel for a warm blanket.

Gorgeous. Also…What?

“Ok, how far apart are your contractions?” dad asked looking at both of us.

“I think they are close to a minute apart” I told him and Bella groaned out fishing for my hand once she found it and squeezed hard which made me wince.

Men are such pussies.

“Ok Bella its time. I am going to have a look to see how far you have dilated” dad explained lifting the blanket.

Why did he need to explain? Was she still at this point unaware that the babies were going to burst from her vagina like the movie Alien but not nearly as adorably?

“Ok Bella the next contraction I would like you to take a deep breath and push with all your strength” dad said. Bella did as she bared down she gripped my hand so hard that I am sure she was leaving finger indents in my palm.

That’s a bad description, mostly because it doesn’t take a lot of pressure to make finger indentions in a palm, and it certainly doesn’t hurt, much less hurt enough that you’d need to bring attention to it.

“Ok Bella one more push” she did as requested.

Where to begin… You don’t have six babies vaginally. It’s going to kill the mother and probably a couple of babies. And two pushes to force out a kid? Just how wide are the hips of this tiny light weight baby-filled gold digger?

“Esme come here please” dad asked and mum stood beside him with a sterile towel ready.

I’m getting bored. Is this going to take long?

“Ok lets welcome baby one” dad said then he helped the baby out.

“Baby one is a boy” he informed the room and Emmett said “yes” with a fist pump apparently there was a bet going on about the sex of the first child and Emmett had won it.

Way to celebrate, bud. Gambling is a sin, so enjoy hell. And barring some weird mutation, that’s a 50/50 shot at being right no matter how arbitrarily you choose. If you’re buying a ticket to damnation, you may as well pay for first class.

The next child came faster.

Faster than two pushes? So, one push?

“Welcome baby two : boy”

“Baby three : boy”

“Baby four : boy’

“Baby five : boy” dad said as each child arrived

I’m getting the feeling that Bella’s womb is sexist.

“You are doing amazing baby, only one to go and you can have a rest” I told her giving her a kiss on her cheek as I was unable to kiss her on the mouth as she was panting.

Thanks for that detail; we really needed it. This is the kind of writing that happens when the author is of below average intelligence. They assume that person reading is even less intelligent than they are, and you get lines like this.

“One last push Bella and your last baby will arrive” dad said and Bella pushed.

I have to admit, this one-push-one-baby thing tickles me pink.

“Welcome baby six : girl” dad said proudly as he had successfully brought six healthy babies into the world.

So all six babies just strolled out of the birth canal in a single file? Another 30-second jaunt on Google tells me that there’s no way in hell that this would be a natural birth in someone’s fucking home office, and then the babies are just handed to random people whose best qualification for the job is having two arms. The sheer lunacy of this chapter astounds me on a level that nothing else has even come close to so far.

Chapter 60

After dad fixed up Bella she fell fast asleep. Dad went to check on each child to weigh and measure each one.

Baby one was 14.6 inches and 1.4 pounds

Baby two was 14.9 in and 1.9 pounds

Baby three was 14.5 in and 2.0 pounds

Baby four was 14.10 in and 1.6 pounds

Baby five was 14. 4 in and 1.5 pounds

Baby six was 14 inches and 1.0 pound

Each of them were breathing nicely with no complications of any kind.

It’s a miracle! Babies born 14 weeks premature with no complications? Only Jesus and his super sperm could have pulled this off. After painstaking Google search (I’m lying. It took me 13 seconds) I found out that a fetus’s lungs are ALMOST fully developed at 35 weeks. So babies born 10 weeks before that would sure as hell land themselves in an incubator for a good two months. Except for babies popped by the bride of Christ here, naturally.

It was two hours later when the mother of my healthy children woke.

“Good morning angel would you like to meet you brand new babies?” I asked her.

Brand new babies, as opposed to “gently used?”

I was holding my breath for that one. It is with great relief that I find their babies to be brand new. If they’d been used babies, I’d recommend they demand a refund.

“Sure, are they all ok?” she questioned.

“Yeah they are, we just need to give them names” I told her.

“Ok lets do this now” she said struggling to get off the bed so I helped her walk over to the first cot.

“Baby one boy” I informed her.

“Andrew Cullen” she responded, we repeated this for each child.

“Baby two boy”

“Brian Cullen”

“Baby three boy”

“Conner Cullen”

“Baby four boy”

“Derrick Cullen”

“Baby five boy”

“Eric Cullen”

“And finally baby six girl”

“Fedora Cullen”

“Those are perfect names” I told her giving her a deep kiss which she deepened.

Where the fuck is Emmanuel??? The Old Testament prophesied an Emmanuel. Sure, we got a Jesus, but he’s obviously a fraud, since he doesn’t have the right name.





Oh yeah, Fedora Cullen. What the fuck kind of name is that?  Hi, this is my child, I named her after a type of hat commonly worn by pretentious hipsters and completely awesome internet critics.


people have complained that Carlisle was “stupid” for not knowing the sexes of the children but i was going off real life as i was having a sister the whole time my mother was pregnant but when “she” was due i had a brother instead… so yes doctors can be wrong and not correct every time. if you don’t like my stories then simply don’t read them or write your own

Now that’s a little passive-aggressive, isn’t it? Dumb people can’t write intelligent characters, you never stood a chance, sweetie.

Now it’s over, and I’m happy. What else can be said about this story? The author is either a convincing poe, or a terribly disturbed individual who has no business trying to be creative. I hate that this story is genuine because it would otherwise be a masterpiece. Be sure to check out my new Virginal Bella inspired video that I’m planning on having finished sometime in the next week. Thanks for sticking with me through this train wreck.


3 comments on “Chapters 55-60

  1. So they’re not going to have sex? The title was so misleading…

    I go to a couple of deliveries each week, and I can’t tell you how common it is to find the dietary stockroom guy all up in there, pulling out multiples…

  2. uhm. Australian Author, Carlisle wasn’t wrong once. He changed the sex several times. Also, for him to convince you to have your babies at home and not in a hospital is batshit crazy. Where did he get his medical licence? At least he has 5 boys to help spread his message that kissing is devil’s work.

    • To be fair, having six babies from kissing is already bat shit crazy, what could a little more hurt at that point.

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