Part 4… This son of a bitch is grueling. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m sure that something crazy stupid is coming, I’d probably give up. But she couldn’t help herself. She just has to tease me, giving me false hope that something comedically brilliant will happen. But alas, I always remain disappointed.
Anyway, I must trudge onward through the muck and sludge that comprises the base of this story. You need me to push further into this desert tundra of strangely chaste world where neither kissing nor proper use of commas is allowed. I can be the knight in hyperbolic armor that you need… I will slay this dragon!
It was a week later and Bella was put into an induced coma, dad came rushing into the room.
That’s… ridiculous. The only reason to induce a coma would be due to extreme brain trauma. So that brings us to the question: exactly how damn fast was unskilled-first-day-on-the-slopes Bella going to hit her head that hard?
Let’s look at some numbers—
Your average skier cruising down the mountain clocks in at an average of 15mph. Downhill racers go about 50mph, and Olympians reach speeds of 85mph on average. To cause brain injury, you need to take a direct hit to the head while going over 20 mph. See where I’m going with this? Unless Bella was channeling the spirit of Sarah Burke, there was no way in fucking hell she was going fast enough to turn her brain into mush! Especially since there wasn’t much in there to damage in the first place.
And on that note… WHY WASN’T THE BITCH WEARING A HELMET?!?!?! We were treated to an entire chapter of them picking out fucking ski clothes of every color under the sun, but no fucking helmet? This is so stupid, it’s injuring MY brain.
Then again, they DID kiss before they were married.
“Edward I need you to tell me the truth did you have sex with Bella?” he asked deliberately leaving no way to misinterpret his question.
“No dad I haven’t even seen her naked why?” uncertain to why he was asking me as he knew that I would be true to god until my wedding day.
Every father knows better than to think his teenage son would have sex before god gave his express written consent. What kind of question is that, Carlisle?
I hope the author has no male children, because if this is how she believes the teenage male mind works, she’s in for a big surprise. Teenage boys have two things on their mind at all times: food and sex, the latter more than the former, and often both at the same time.
“Because Bella is pregnant” that was the last thing I heard before the world went dark.
When you put someone on an induced coma, pregnancy tests are routine, I’m sure. Why in the hell would they have suspected Bella’s pregnant in the first place?
“The world went dark?” Did he go into a coma too? Did they have matching love comas?
“Edward, Edward wake up for me please” dad said lightly tapping my face as I came to.
“It’s not possible dad” I said.
So Edward wakes up from a fainting spell on command? That’s handy. It almost sounds… contrived… !!!
“I know son while you were out I did a quick exam and she is intact so this is a miracle that she is pregnant” dad said.
“My son passed out, now is my chance to check out his girlfriend’s vag!”
I’ve heard of Mary Jane before, but Virgin Mary Jane is a first, I have to admit, but it is intriguing, not for the content itself, but for the kind of self-indulgent fantasies the author comes up with. It’s quite fascinating to watch the crazies in their natural habitat.
“Dad who is the father of the child?” I asked.
Carlisle, check your crystal ball.
“It’s too soon to tell the earliest possible date is nine weeks” dad started to tell me.
“What week is she in?” I asked.
“She is a the end of the first week so will have to wait for eight more weeks before we can perform any tests.” Dad explained.
How in the hell would Carlisle know this without being able to ask Bella when her last period was? Seriously, it took me 3 minutes on Google to find out that it is IMPOSSIBLE to know that soon, but of course the author couldn’t be bothered with that in-depth research. I think I’ve figured out how she “checks her facts.” She must have her own mental Google, and whatever she thinks goes.
“Oh ok” I said taking hold of her hand.
“Edward did anything happen a week ago when you were skiing before she hit her head?” dad asked. I thought about that day and what we did then it hit me.
“The only thing I can think of is I kissed her on the mouth.” I told him looking down at my hands ashamed of myself, how could I be that selfish how could I make Bella an unwed mother? I was starting to shake, was I that self indulgent that I didn’t even think of the consequences of kissing her.
You… she… What the… No. Just no. He doesn’t really think he got her pregnant by KISSING HER ON THE MOUTH! No, of course not. After an intense session of snowballing with Emmett, his tongue was coated in his own spunk as he went down on Bella behind the bushes. Bam! Pregnant. That makes way more sense. I refuse to believe that the author expects this shit to fly. How about all the other billion people on the planet that aren’t deluded, brainwashed morons that kiss before marriage? Do they ALL get pregnant??
“Edward breathe please, deep breath in… and now out. Edward you can not get a girl pregnant by just kissing there is a lot more involved in creating a baby. When its close to the time that you will be thinking of kids I will sit you down and explain it to you in full detail” dad said calmly.
You’re going to explain to Edward how babies are made only when he’s old enough to think about kids of his own?? Are you fucking demented?! Not only that, in this day and age, Edward never found that out by no other means?? Obviously, teaching abstinence only is not working, not even in this fucked up parallel bizarro dimension. I’m looking at you, Texas.
“Really?” I asked not believing him as it had been drilled in to us that kissing led to bad things.
“Yes, really Edward” he said.
Since Carlisle knows that you can’t get pregnant by kissing—which is a small relief, or I’d have to wonder why he still has a medical license—what sort of “bad things” does he think happens if you kiss before marriage, since he and Esme indoctrinated their minions to think so? This is the beauty of religion as portrayed in this disaster of a story: scare the fuck out of the kids into doing what your little rule book says, even if you have to threaten them with lies. Jesus fuck-on-a-stick Christ…
It was eight weeks later and I had only left her bedside for food and to keep clean.
Where the hell are Bella’s parents? Turns out I was right, it really is a “you break it, you buy it” thing. She’s the Cullens’ problem now. And her sisters are bitches; they don’t even visit comatose Bella once. How Christian.
“Edward it is time to do the paternity test would you like to stay with her while we do it ? It won’t look pretty and it might look very scary but what we are going to do won’t hurt either Bella or the baby.” dad explained to me.
“I would like to stay please” I chose.
“That is fine, if for any reason you need to leave then just leave.” dad said.
“Ok, thanks dad” I said and watched as he got a lot of things out of cupboards and draws placing them on a metal trolley that has wheels. He sat down on a chair that he could move with his feet.
I feel I haven’t been given enough details about this metal trolley that has wheels and this chair that he could move with his feet. These are important plot points! The author describes crap like she’s 9 years old… And I’m starting to believe she is, because no one with capacity for cognition above a 12 year-old would actually come up with this insanely stupid shit.
“Edward we are going to start now once we have finished we will start to wake her.” Dad told me I nodded to let him know that I heard him and I turned my back to him so that I wouldn’t see what he was doing I started to caress Bella’s face and hair. I must have lost track of time because I was startled when dad walked in to my line of sight to inject Bella’s IV with the drug that was going to wake her safely.
Wake her with what? When bringing someone out of an induced coma, you start to lower the dose of the drugs keeping them under, you don’t give them anything. Another flawless bit of research by our fabulous author. And who’s “we?” There is no indication of anyone else being in the room. Oh wait. Is Jesus going to assist with the procedure? At this point, anything is possible. By the way, what is Carlisle’s specialty? He seems to be able to do whatever medical procedure required, though he has a particular interest in Bella’s nethers. !!! Is Carlisle… god? He’s medically omnipotent, after all.
“Dad should I tell her about the baby?” I asked him.
Nah, let her think she’s getting fat til she shits a baby in the bathroom during prom. That’ll be a lot more interesting.
“Yes I think you will be the best one to tell her” dad answered.
It took two days for Bella to wake.
Shouldn’t the doctor be informing the patient of her status? And what the hell happened to doctor-patient confidentiality? Teenage boyfriend is not next of kin, he has no right to be told ANYTHING about her condition! Oh, but he’s the doctor’s son, so fuck it, let’s tell him everything. I hope his ass gets sued.
A/N I would like to point out to a reviewer… first that i would like to thank for your reviews.. in my stories anything can happen. in this story Edward and Bella have been brought up in a very sheltered house. they know nothing of sex or all things sexual. the fathers would not talk about sex until the day of marriage as in this story you only ever have one partner.
Are they fucking Amish? This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And since I’ve read 22 chapters of this tripe, I’ve heard A LOT of dumb shit.
this is my fantasy not anyones reality… well it could be the virgin Mary’s story but its not.
I had to do a double take when I read this one. This is YOUR FANTASY????!?!?!?!? You fantasize about getting knocked without having sex and it’s Yahweh’s love child?! Remember when I suggested you seek psychiatric help?
“Edward where am I?” she asked groggily.
Welcome to my virgin mary porn dungeon!
“Hi beautiful, welcome back, did you have a good sleep? You are in the hospital you have been asleep for nine weeks.” I informed her.
“What happened Edward the last thing I can remember is getting off the chair lift” Bella asked.
“Well I don’t really know what happened but what I do know is that you skied into some trees and hit your head on a rock.
“I don’t know what happened, but here’s what happened.” Then you DO know what happened, you blithering idiot.
There is something major to tell you, we don’t know how it happened it just did.” I stopped talking as I heard a knock on the door.
“Be right back bella” I said as I walked to the door and opened it a little bit, it was dad.
“Edward I have good news, well kinda, you are the father of Bella’s child.” dad informed me.
At no point we see Carlisle drawing blood or getting a cheek swab from Edward, so against what exactly did he test the DNA? His own? AND HOW IN THE FUCK WOULD EDWARD’S DNA GET IN THERE IF THEY DIDN’T HAVE SEX??? I’m having a hard time imagining god saying, “hmmm… I’m going to put a kid in that girl for no fucking reason, but whose DNA should I use for the father’s side? Bleh, fuck it, this ginger kid will do. They’ll get a kick out of that!”
“Really?” I asked.
“Yes really.” Dad said pulling the door closed so I walked back to the chair beside Bella’s bed.
Yet Carlisle still doesn’t think those two fucked when no one was looking? And they let him practice medicine?? Fucking hell.
“Ok where were we?” I asked to stunned from the news that I was going to become a father while still a virgin.
After all the freaky shit he’s done with Emmett, and he still considers himself a virgin? Keep telling yourself that, buddy. Maybe god won’t smite you if you really believe it.
“You were about to tell me something major” Bella told me.
“Thats right we don’t know it happened just that it did” I said placing a hand over her soon to be expanding belly.
“Isabella you are pregnant and I am the father of the child. We are both still virgins.” I told her.
“I’m really pregnant with your child?” Bella asked placing a hand beside mine.
She was in a coma for two months, so the only possibility for any person capable of walking and breathing at the same time is that Edward had his wicked way with her unconscious body and knocked her up, but this doesn’t seem to cross her mind. She just placidly places her hand next to his, like waking up pregnant from a coma is the most common thing in the world! I knew Bella was mentally challenged, but this is off the charts stupid. How many extra chromosomes does this bitch have?
“Yes you are nine weeks pregnant. We have a choice we can tell the world about our immaculate conception child or the other choice it to say that we slept together and only our family will know the truth, as it is your body its your choice our family and I will follow your lead.” I told her.
A fundie Christian telling a woman that “it’s her body and her choice?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I don’t think so. But please, tell the world about your immaculate conception so you two can get locked up in the looney bin and this story can end early.
“Ok, Edward if we have had sex does that mean we can kiss again?” Bella asked.
She wakes up from a coma, pregnant, and THIS is her first concern? Swapping spit with Edward again? She’s got her priorities straight; she’ll be a great mother!
“No, Bella kissing before marriage leads to babies and I would like to wait until we are married before we kiss again just like we should have.” I informed her.
Carlisle already told you that you can’t knock someone up by kissing them. Why do you still believe this shit?? Why you ever did in the first place still baffles me, by the way. And does Edward think that he can get her pregnant when she’s already pregnant? Boy, you’re your own brand of stupid. I’m starting to think that Edward, too, has an extra chromosome somewhere in there, most likely in the 21st pair.
“So when are you going to ask me and when are we getting married?” she questioned me.
“Whoa hold your horses, yes I will ask you let me get you a ring and ask on my own time so that it is more special as you won’t know when it is coming.” I answered her.
He didn’t even knock her up himself! God is being a prick, trying to trap Edward into marriage. He’s being forced to buy the cow and he’s not even allowed to drink the milk or kiss the cow. Raw deal, if you ask me.
“Edward does dad know about the baby?” Bells asked.
“Yes he knows as do Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice and mum.” I told her.
“Dad didn’t hurt you did he?” She enquired starting to panic.
“Shhh baby no your dad did not hurt me as my dad explained that we were both still intact and nothing was going to change it for me until our wedding night and for you when you give birth to our child.” I explained to her.
I can picture the scene.
“My daughter is pregnant?!” Charlie says.
“Yes, but it was immaculate conception,” Carlisle, the teenage boyfriend’s father, says.
“Oh, okay. We’re cool then,” Charlie says.
“Go faithfully with Christ,” Carlisle says, hiding a snicker.
Every minute a sucker is born.
“Do you know when I can go home?” Bella asked.