Chapter 3

2008 MTV Video Music Awards - ArrivalsWelcome to the Family

I could see him through the steam. Emmett. His veiny triumphant bastard of a cock was rubbing gently against the doorknob he was humping. It was breathtaking; if only you could see it, but I won’t let you. His muscles had been rubbed down with baby oil, and his skin was dark like chocolate, at least 90% cocoa.

I could see from across the room that there was a tattoo on his left scrotum. Also he had two scrotums. It was a heart surrounding the words “If you can read this, it’s not too cold in here.”

I chuckled moderately. He gets to live.

I decided I simply had to have that tattoo for myself. I bashed him in the head with a chair and exchanged his skin from the waist down with mine. Now, ready for love, I made my way across the street for an erotic massage.

“One hand job, on the fly,” the receptionist shouted.

Mindy, if that is her real name, met me in the lobby and walked me back to a special room that was coated in plastic sheeting. It seemed weird, and I don’t like weird, so I thought of leaving, but once she pulled my dong out, I was hooked. She worked me over for an hour before I finally gave her the goods.

At a loss for what to do, and with my penchant for mayhem unsated, I phoned in a bomb threat to work so I didn’t need to come in. I forgot about caller ID. Are any of you hiring? I’ve got an impressive resume and almost never do anything weird. My many talents include knitting human hair, cooking with nothing but connective tissue, and I have military training in spit ball combat. Also, I can type twelve words per minute if you’d all just shut up and let me think!


8 comments on “Chapter 3

  1. I’m having trouble reading this maybe u could write it better thanks

  2. A keyhole? That’s legendary, sizewise.

  3. All right! That’s it! I’ve taken just about all the shit I’m gonna take from you!

    Waddya mean Emmett was fucking a door nob?! Everyone knows that males can’t fuck stick-outy things with their cocks! You have to be a real woman to fuck a door nob!! (Did you see how I didn’t slip in the obvious joke?!) Or maybe you’re just using poetic license–and humping isn’t a synonym for fucking?! Everyone knows the ‘No Scrotums Near Doors’ rule. They can slam ya know!

    I can’t believe you thought you could get away with that phony resume! Do you think we dont’ fact check; know google; run it by my Niece?!?

    Smart-up buddy! (Why anyone’s veiny bastard of a cock would be triumphant, is beyond me!)

    • He could have been fucking the keyhole below the knob? Maybe it was a really old house.

      • shit, sorry Guest 🙂 – I thought I was talking to Mr. tattooed scrotum.

      • Sticking your boner in a key hole gives all new meaning to the term skeleton key.

    • Like a dog humping your leg, there doesn’t need to be penetration for it yo be humping.

      • Just as I thought–you need a license.

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