Chapters 25-30

Here we go, part 5. I’m still recovering from the shock of reading these chapters. I’d heard of this level of absurdity and stupidity, but I thought they were just legends, just stories told around a campfire as a cautionary for children to not be this stupid. The legends were true…

I tremble for humanity.


Chapter 25

“No but I can go and get dad because I don’t think he has wandered very far incase you had a panic attack but you are so brave taking it in your stride. I love you Bella so much, let me go and get dad to find out when we can get you out of here.”

Why would she have a panic attack? Isn’t she as brainwashed as the rest of them to accept this immaculate conception bullshit “in her stride?” By the way, what’s “in your stride?” Did you mean “in stride,” or is Edward just an idiot? You said you had a beta for this (I call bullshit, by the way), but they seem to pick up very little of these glaring mistakes. I’d consider a switch. Perhaps to one that can read?

I told her placing a kiss on her cheek. I started to walk to the door but was stopped by Bella.

How did she stop him? Did she throw her pee bag at him?

I hope she threw the pee bag at him.

“Do you mean that?” Bella asked.

“Mean what angel?” I questioned.

“That you love me.” she enquired.

“Yes I mean it with my whole heart, body and soul” I told her.

“I love you to Edward.” she said.

So many…dialogue…tags… I’ll give the author one internet point for attempting variety, but unfortunately, the attempt didn’t work. She used two synonyms for “ask”—“asked” itself, “questioned,” “enquired,” even though “enquired” was used improperly, since it was tacked on a sentence that wasn’t a question, and the proper usage is “inquire,” but I digress. Five sentences, five dialogue tags, five attempts to draw out the fact that they love each other. By the time Bella said “I love you to Edward” (love him to what? Or did you mean “too?”), my eyes were burning as though the author sprayed bleach into them with her overuse of shitty dialogue tags. Tip for the author to do her extensive research on: ACTION TAGS!!!!!!!! Learn them, use them, love them. Or better yet, never write again. Yeah, let’s go with that advice. It’ll serve mankind a lot better.

“Ok let me get dad.” I offered walking to the door I opened it to find dad leaning against the opposite wall just waiting.

That sentence just made my eyes bleed further. The lack of punctuation makes it a jumbled mess that I simply don’t have to patience to detangle.

“Hi dad she now knows everything, she has a question for you but it would be a huge help if she was in one more night.” I told him and watched as a smirk appeared on his face.

Let’s keep Bella in the hospital for an extra night at probably US$5k a pop just for shits. Or maybe the Cullens own 80% of the hospital, too? Then I can see why they’d want to keep Bella there as long as possible. Ka-ching!

“Are you needing to go and buy something?” He asked while his smirk got bigger.

“Yes. Two dildos, one vibrator, anal beads, a 50 gallon drum of lube, a cock ring, butt plugs, nipple clamps, a large pack of batteries, and a plus size blow up doll (3 colossal love holes!) It’s all here on this list Emmett gave me.”

“Yes dad.” I said fighting to keep the smile off my face.

I bet he’s imagining all the fun he’s going to have when Emmett yanks those beads out of his ass like a pull-start lawn mower.

“Edward go talk to your mum and Charlie before you go shopping.” dad suggested.

I can see this conversation turning awkward. “Mr. Swan, what brand of cock rings do you recommend? Also, I’m looking into buying a vibrator to use on your daughter. Any suggestions? I’m torn between rubber and glass.”

We both walked in and checked her obbs while I was standing next to her.

What the fuck are obbs? Since the word doesn’t exist, I can ascribe any meaning I want. I choose boobs. So they walked in and checked her boobs while Edward stood next to her. So many porn movies start out that way.

“Bella you will have to stay in tonight I might be able to get you out tomorrow but that depends on your test results.

Edward your mum wants to see you very soon.” Dad told both of us and he was giving me an easy out. I nodded my

thanks and placed a soft kiss on Bella’s cheek.

Not only is he keeping Bella in overnight because his son asked just so he has more time to furnish his sex dungeon before she’s released, but now they’re performing unnecessary tests, because why not? The Cullens are single-handedly bankrupting the healthcare system! Obama wants a word with you, although you probably own 80% of him, too.

“Ok beautiful I will see you soon, I love you.” I told her and would keep saying those words because I would not kiss her on the mouth.

So once you’ve kissed her on the mouth, you no longer need to say I love you? Well, shit, I’ve been doing it wrong all this time! Thank you, Edward Cullen, for imparting your fucked-up wisdom.

I walked out of the room.

And stay out.

Chapter 26

“Hi mum dad said to talk to you about rings, I would like to ask Bella to marry me soon, very soon.” I told her sitting

opposite her at the kitchen table. She stood up quickly.


Yeah, before she starts showing and everyone knows what a bawdy little whore she’s been.

“Stay there edward I will be back in a sec.” Mum called back to me so I just stretched my legs out under the table and

waited for mum to come back from wherever she went.


I don’t think we got enough detail on how Edward stretched his legs. Did he cross them at the ankle? What about his hands? What was he doing with his hands? These are important details! Since this story has nothing else to say, at least tell us Edward’s exact method of stretching his legs.

I sat up as she entered the room and she sat down beside me and held out a ring holder that held eight rings.

Do they own 80% of a jewelry store, too?

“Choose one of these they all have some family history.” Mum told me handing over over the holder, I had a long look at each of them before I pointed to a Claddagh ring with an emerald heart.


A Claddagh ring… How… cliché. If I counted the number of fanfics in which Edward gives Bella a fucking Claddagh ring, I’d have to take my shoes off to keep counting.

“That is a good choice as that ring has been past down so many times we have lost count, but it was given to the first

princess of Ireland from Brett the son of King Brian.

If you know it was given to the first princess of Ireland, how can you have lost count how many times it has been PASSED down? Also… Princess of Ireland? I’m glad you pulled out the fact-checking skills on this one, esteemed author! Gaelic Ireland was not ruled as a unitary state, first of all—it was divided into several kingdoms. No wonder you lost track of how many times the ring was passed down. The whole thing is bullshit! Brett? King Brian? Where are you getting this shit?? And you mean to tell me that this ring has been in their family for a thousand years?!  Sure, let’s give it away to the first hussy one of our adopted sons knocks up. Preferably while still in high school, because these marriages tend to last forever.

The emerald has the meaning of preserving love as well as hope, and the saying goes give your lover an emerald to stay faithful to each other. The gold represents royalty” mum said.

Awww. Did Jesus give you an emerald ring, and that’s why you have to stay “faithful” to him and not stick your tongue in other people’s mouths?

Also, MOM.

Now I knew the history behind it was the perfect ring for my wife, the love of my live and the mother of my children.

All immaculately conceived, of course.

“Thank you mum this is perfect ring for Isabella.” I told her giving her a hug and a kiss on her cheek in thanks.

“You are very welcome, now don’t wait too long before you ask that angel that is carrying my first grandchild.” Mum said playfully.


This is entirely believable. What mother wouldn’t be overjoyed at her 17 year-old son getting some gold digger knocked up and marrying her before he’s even legal to vote?

” I won’t now I have to go and talk to Charlie.” I said walking out the front door.

Punctuation. It’s a beautiful thing. FUCKING USE IT!

Chapter 27

I arrived back at the hospital where I knew that Charlie was hanging around as his other daughters were happy and healthy in our small house that is a one hour drive away.

You drove for an hour from the hospital to your house to get a ring, then back to the hospital to talk to Charlie. Why didn’t you just talk to him while you were at the damn hospital and then simply drove home? I can see several benefits to this alternative plan: 1) you wouldn’t help further the damage of global warming  2) you’d have had some time to jack off.

I found Charlie sitting in the cafeteria drinking coffee.

“Hello Charlie, would you mind if I spoke to you for a little while?” I asked.

“Sure Edward, take a seat. What’s on your mind son” he questioned.

” I would like to ask you for both your blessing and Isabella’s hand in marriage, Isabella will want for nothing as I have a trust fund that dad is allowing supervised access to. Isabella and my child and any other children should they come by immaculate conception or when we plan them will be looked after.” I told him, looking him in the eye’s.

Well, I give him that. Telling your future father-in-law that your children will all be immaculately conceived surely will ease his worries of you porking the shit out of his little girl. If he’s stupid enough to believe that in the first place, that is, which we have already seen that he is.

One thing doesn’t make much sense. In the beginning of the chapter, Edward said Charlie’s daughters were happy and healthy in the Cullens’ “little house” with at least seven bedrooms and three stories. Yet they’re rich enough for their adopted kids to have trust funds? Carlisle, are you being bad to the IRS?

“Do you plan on getting a job or going to college?” Charlie questioned me.

“Sir that would be up to Isabella as the interest alone will allow us to live a comfortable life for as long as we live. If she would like more children after this child then she would get as many children as she would like.

So Bella gets to decide whether he goes to college or even finishes high school, because his humongous trust fund will allow him to become absolutely nothing in life and still survive. Who needs to achieve anything when you have a trust fund, am I right? That should help convince Charlie. “No, sir, I have no aspirations or ambitions. I’ll stay home changing diapers while Bella keeps popping out kids. It’s the way god intended.”

But if she would like to go back to school then she can do that.” I told him

How magnanimous of you! Is she allowed to wear pants, too?

“Then I give you her hand and my blessing.” Charlie said standing up with his hand out with I took with no hesitation.

“Thank you sir.” I told him shaking his hand firmly.

YOU give Edward her hand? Doesn’t she have a choice in the matter? Oh wait, she doesn’t. I keep forgetting that women aren’t people in this story. By the way, I’ve been wondering: are any of the characters sad that Fred Phelps is about to ride his chariot to the great below? Since they share a lot of similar ideologies, I’m sure they must be crushed to hear that he’s about to sit on satan’s lap and spin, but for Fred, that might be heaven.

Chapter 28

I walked into Isabella’s room and her smile lit up the room.

Pay your electricity bill! Damn fundies, they have to use women for everything.

“Hi baby how are you?” I asked walking beside her bed and gave her a kiss on her cheek.

“I’m better now that you are here.” She said reaching up to pull my head down I just lowered my head waiting to see

where she would kiss me, I was pleased with her when she turned my head at the last second, I chuckled in her ear.

Good little pet. Kiss me on the cheek like I’ve trained you. Don’t be a hussy just yet.

“My cheeky minx I love you with my whole heart.” I whispered in to her ear.

Another bit that escaped the monumental research efforts. AMERICANS DON’T CALL PEOPLE CHEEKY! Except when they’re mocking the british, the australians, and the south Africans.

“I love you angel, your dad said that we can try our first ultrasound to possibly see our child.” she told me excitedly.

See what, exactly? Unless there was a time jump that the author forgot to inform us about, we’re still around week 10. First ultrasound is done around week 18-20. At week 10, the fetus is half the size of a thumb. You’ll see a little clump of cells, nothing more. There’s literally nothing to look at so far. See how easy it is, author? Two minutes on google, and I’m already more well-versed on this shit than you. How sad is that?

“I can’t wait baby.” I told her kissing her cheek. There was a knock on the door.

“Come in.” We both called out and dad walked through the door dragging a portable ultrasound machine, plugging it into the wall.

So is Carlisle an ob/gyn or what? I’ve asked this question before, and I still don’t know. Maybe he’s the only doctor in Shitsville, Colorado, and everyone has to see him for everything from a pregnancy to a burst aneurysm.

“Ok you kids you ready to see your first child? Bella can you lift your shirt and lower your pants to reveal your hips please.” Dad asked as he sat on the seat that was attached to the machine.

Out of context, that is the dirtiest sentence. I love Carlisle, that horndog.

“This will be cold.” He warned her just before he squirted the jelly like stuff on her lower tummy then he pulled out a wand like thing and started to move it over back and forth, he ummed and arred.

I can just picture Carlisle looking at the ultrasound screen and going, “Arrrrr! Shiver me timbers! The anchors are weighed and my mast be at full.” [Cue Carlisle’s boner.]

“Bella it is very confusing.” He said reaching over to pick up a gown for Isabella to wear.

Of course it is. You’re probably not an obstetrician, you don’t have the first fucking clue about how to read an ultrasound, dumbass!

Chapter 29

“Bella can you follow me we need to go into another room that has an internal probe.” Dad told us leading us out of

Isabella’s room and through a series of doors and hallways until we reached the scan wing of the hospital and he led us in to it.

Ultrasound machines have both. In chapter 1, the author wrote an AN that said she was “in hospital” with her son, so I can reason that she’s been pregnant before and must have had an ultrasound or two. Did she ever look at the machine?! Google is your friend if you’re too oblivious to look at a damn machine as part of it goes into your cooter.

“Ok Bella I need you to take off you bottoms and put on the gown. Then please get on the bed with your head closest to the door, please.” He requested and turned to fiddle with the computer and a long 12 inch probe which he placed a

condom on it… yes I knew what they were.

“Head closest to the door, so if anyone walks in, they can’t see the dirty, perverted things I’m doing to your vag.”

And how in the fuck would Edward know what a condom is? If he thinks women get pregnant by kissing, what good would a condom be? We know that only infidels get STDs because they have sex in positions other than missionary, so there’s no point in wearing a condom to prevent pregnancy. One kiss and boom! Knocked up.

“Ok Bella I need you to place your feet on the bed and flop your knees out. Please.” dad requested and Bella did so.

“Dad won’t that break her?” I asked worried.

“No Edward it won’t, she will be intact for your wedding night.” dad said.

Wait a minute. Let’s revisit that. He’s going to stick a 12-inch probe in her vagina, and her HYMEN WON’T BREAK?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT MADE OF? TITANIUM??? Good luck, Edward, I hope you enjoy playing “just the tip.” In this case, that’s all you’ll ever get in there.

And where are Bella’s parents to sign a consent form allowing Carlisle to fuck their daughter with a 12-inch funstick?

“Oh good I was worried about that, thank you for asking Edward.” Isabella said.

I was worried, too. We need to be able to hang the blood-stained sheets out the window the day after the wedding so the village knows she was a maiden when they wed.

“Ok Bella I am going to start now you will feel pressure and movement, if it hurts at any time tell me and we will stop and take a break.” dad told us.

The girl is a virgin. Of course it won’t hurt to have your first time be with a 12-inch medical device. Carry on, Carlisle, and make it good.

“Ok I’m ready.” Isabella said reaching out for my hand which I gave to her willingly.

“Isabella squeeze my hand as tight as you need to, you won’t hurt me.” I said to her giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.

Isabella squeezed my hand as dad pushed the probe into her.

Damn, the author always cuts the chapters when we get to the best part! What am I supposed to do with this boner now?

*Googling trusted-medical-professional-fucks-patient porn*

Chapter 30

After a few tense minutes dad did things on the computer and the printer came to life next to me. He pulled the probe out of her and smiled.

Oh, I bet he smiled. He was just wrist deep in teenage girls snatch. I bet he licked that probe clean too.

“Ok Bella get dressed and go get something to eat, whatever smells good. When you’re done call me and I will tell you how to find me then we can go home.” dad told us.

You can’t tell her what to do. If she wants to eat stewed cabbage with Roquefort cheese stuffed in a dirty sock, then she can have it!

“Why, is my baby ok what’s wrong?” Isabella said starting to panic.

I can see why she’d panic. Carlisle just performed an ultrasound, but refused to say anything about it. “Go eat and worry. I’ll tell you later.” Are you fucking serious with this shit?

“Calm down Bella nothing is wrong everything is good this is just not the place to talk because the walls have ears and they can talk.” Dad told us smiling as he walked past the printer he grabbed the stuff off it then walked out the door.

So this hospital is loaded with unprofessional staff that blabs about patients, and they actively try to eavesdrop when doctors are examining patients. Sounds legit. On top of that, what if they do talk? Unless they plan on shipping Bella off to a nunnery to have a shame baby, people are going to find out anyway. And no, they won’t believe it’s god’s baby immaculately put in there. They’ll all think she fucked Edward behind the church, which is the accepted form of procreation.

I handed Isabella her pants and threw away her gown.

Is he in there with her as she changes? So he saw her naked?? Ohhh… god is not going to like this at all.

“What are you hungry for?” I asked Isabella.

“Edward can we go to Mickey D’s please I am craving a big mac with beetroot and a double cheeseburger.” Isabella asked rubbing her belly.

Two sandwiches? Fatty.

And what does she want on her Big Mac? It’s a long flight all the way from Colorado to Australia to get a fucking Big Mac with fucking beetroot in it. But worry not, Bella! Edward’s got a trust fund.

If this is how her cravings are going to play out, Edward is screwed.

“Sure Isabella lets call dad when we are at the entrance.” I told her taking her hand and entwining our fingers and called dad to let him know that we were going to McDonalds down the road he told me that he would meet us there.

Punctuaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaation! That sentence gave me hay fever. I think I’ve become allergic to this fic.

15 minutes later we were sitting enjoying our meal when Isabella spoke up.

I can see this being a cliffhanger. Thus far, we were not made aware that Bella has the cognitive capacity to speak without having been spoken to first.

We’ve reached the halfway mark. I’m ready to slap a half-marathon sticker on my bumper and call it a victory. But no. I must persevere. Even though Bella’s hymen will star in the sequel to Unbreakable, I can’t let this fic defeat me. I must endure. I must…get a drink.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! I’ll be out celebrating like the Irish.


12 comments on “Chapters 25-30

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  2. Pingback: Virginal Bella – Chapters 25-30 | dswancanada

  3. Is there anything left to be said/written about this fanfic? Perhaps it’s time to move on and shine your critical thinking skills on another author/story. I’m already exhausted by this one, I can’t imagine what it has done to you.

  4. Hehe. Happy St. Pats. Can’t believe this is only half way through. Geez. This story has more going power than Bella’s hymen! And I agree! WTH, of course a hymen will break, that damn thing gets poked so far up it almost hits the back of your throat!

    In a side note, ‘in your stride’ is another example of the author researching how things would be spoken within the region the story is based. Or not, as the case may be. You see, here in Aussie land, we say ‘in your stride’. Don’t ask me the entimology behind the difference, cos I have no idea.

    And I had to stop reading at the following line. I was laughing so I hard I had to get my lungs working again, before I could continue 🙂
    “Pay your electricity bill! Damn fundies, they have to use women for everything.”

  5. If I could, I would send you several attractive physical therapists. (They’re only wearing the cheerleader outfits because they were late getting out of gym class) Anything, to help relieve the strain you’ve put your mind and body through with this fic.

    There are so many hilarious expressions of outrage. This time I especially liked your suggestion for improvement that included a new beta: “I’d consider a switch. Perhaps to one that can read?” The giggling continued with–“How did she stop him? Did she throw her pee bag at him? I hope she threw the pee bag at him.” Emmett’s list was quite impressive – who knew he was such an efficient shopper? And, only you would think to describe a medical probe as a “12-inch funstick”

    It’s come to the point that the only good thing to say about the story is–What an inventive font to have chosen!

    I know we’ve all expressed our admiration and sympathy for your faithful reviewing of this story, but really, can you continue without doing a permanent damage to yourself? Is it worth it, Edmond? Will you have anything left? Please, just give us the keys–let us call you a cab.

  6. “Well,” Mum said, eyeing my expensive clothes. “I suppose we do have some more rings in the back…” For some reason, that was the funniest part of the story. Next to every word you typed, of course…

    Wait…it IS an immaculate conception? And Bella can have as many of those she likes? I had no idea, and when I went to the chemist- sorry, pharmacist- he had no idea when I asked to see the immaculate conception part of the family planning aisle. I was just curious what test they had for that, for when you wanted to plan an immaculate conception. You’d think God would put a cap on that.

    Whose fucking fantasy is it, to have babies with Edward Cullen that don’t involve sex with him? Who prefers humans trying to get out, as opposed to getting in? There’s a vampire baby in there, isn’t there? It’s like mirrors, you can’t see them with an ultrasound. He’ll need to do a penis probe, probably…

    • That is such a witty response.
      I appreciate your insight.

  7. This story literally causes me to lose brain cells. I can feel the intellect seeping from my pores as I read. I bow down to you for your perseverance.

  8. “Also, I’m looking into buying a vibrator to use on your daughter. Any suggestions? I’m torn between rubber and glass.” -Do they really make glass vibrators? Asking for a friend.

    Considering I’ve read this fic several times, this question is a bit strange. Aren’t they still on vacation at the ski lodge? Doesn’t that mean they are at the hospital near the ski lodge (an hour away). Does Carlisle have access to work in this hospital, or does he just happen to work there?

    Not safe to talk about the ultrasound in the hospital, but perfectly safe to talk about in a McDonald’s. Good to know.

    Spoiler Alert!!
    The pregnancy timing changes A LOT in this. It skips around so often that I actually believe the 12″ probe was Carlisle sticking it to her.

    • I have a glass one you can use, Guest:), lemme show you how to make it vibrate…

      • Okay!

  9. Pingback: Virginal Bella? Part 5 | The Fanfic Assassin

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