It’s time for another Editorial. This time around I’m going with a less traditional style. Twenty-one topics, twenty-one sentence editorials. Here goes. One Sentence Editorials.
1) Republicans- You don’t know what’s best for anyone else, so fuck off.
2) Democrats- You don’t know what’s best for anyone else, so fuck off.
3) Libertarians- Stop letting crazies from the Republican Party claim to represent you, and fuck off.
4) Greens- You’re the only ones who can’t see that you’re fucking crazy, so fuck off.
5) Communists- Your faith in the human species is misplaced and you should fuck off.
6) Obamacare- If it were so great, it wouldn’t be compulsory, so fuck off.
7) Illegal Immigrants- Nationalism is stupid anyway, so welcome to the fucking party.
1) Christians- Learn the history and tenets of your religion before you shove it down people’s throats and use it as an excuse to hate and oppress.
2) Muslims- Learn the history and tenets of your religion before you shove it down people’s throats and use it as an excuse to hate and oppress.
3) Buddhists- You’re awesome.
4) Sikhs- You’re awesome, and I love your turbans.
5) Unitarian Universalists- If I didn’t hate dogmatism, I’d join you.
6) Satanists- I’m sorry that you are misunderstood as a religion, but you damn well know you bring it on yourselves, so grow the fuck up.
7) Jews- I don’t think you control the world, but if you did I’d finally have an excuse to learn Yiddish.
1) Radical Feminism- Shut up about the patriarchy; from what I can tell women do more to keep other women down than men do.
2) Men’s Rights Advocates- Anything you could legitimately want is covered by genuine feminism, rendering you useless and petty.
3) Atheist Activists- Most of you need to have a Snickers and chill the fuck out because you’re just as dogmatic and oppressive as the people you’re fighting against.
4) Agnostics- Agnosticism is not a statement on belief in god(s), it’s a philosophical position that we cannot know anything absolutely, making you an agnostic atheist (I don’t know if there is a god, but I don’t believe) as opposed to a gnostic atheist (I know there is no god).
5) Environmentalists- Shut up and learn the real science, not just the sexy and dramatic stuff.
6) Vegans- You’re able to choose not to consume animal products because your ancestors started consuming them; show some fucking respect.
7) PETA- Most people don’t know that PETA’s president, Ingrid Newkirk, believes that spending PETA’s money to defend domestic terrorists is a good idea and considers pets to be prisoners; she thinks firebombing research facilities is just, and feeding, housing, and taking care of the medical needs of an animal is cruelty, the latter of which makes her sound a lot like Ayn Rand when you think about it.
And that’s that. Twenty-one one sentence editorials. Pick your favorite or rant about the one you liked least. Expand on mine or say something about some of your own. I hope you all enjoyed this, even though I probably told you to fuck off.