Chapter 1

2008 MTV Video Music Awards - ArrivalsBeast and the Harlot

They took me over to a chair. They sat me down and hooked me up to a machine. I knew what was going on, but I’m not telling you. I mean, who are you but a figment of my imagination? Sure, you think you’re reading this on some guy’s blog, but really, I’m imagining that you’re imagining that you’re reading this on some guy’s blog. What can I say? I’m just that awesome.

So they stuck a probe into my anus. My name is Bella, by the way. Franklette Bellanore Swanzinski. No Pollack jokes, or I’ll imagine you right out of existence, motherfucker! As I was saying, the twelve-inch diameter probe fit snugly into my ass. If I had to describe it, I’d refuse and go about my business. Anyway, hello, it’s nice to meet you, and if you think your poops are bigger than mine, you’re in for a rude awakening.

The doctor looked at me and then back at the machine. He was tall, unlike me. I’m four foot seven. And he was handsome, unlike me. I’m a troll, warts and all. And he was Edward, unlike the awesome ones that you find in most of the fanfiction I’ve imagined that you’ve read. This one is a dick and he dies in chapter 2. He eyed me closely and reached for his gun.

“You’re divergent. You know what I get to do now, space wizard,” he chirped laughingly. He sounded like most of the squeaky pain in the ass Alices I’ve forced into your brain.

“You have an average sized penis, and your skin has imperfections!” I shouted divergently.

“How dare you!” he screeched, pulling the trigger.

The bullet hit me between the eyes. It tore through skin and bone and brain and bone again and then some more skin and a little bit of hair. And that’s when I got angry.


9 comments on “Chapter 1

  1. Does this story have an Edward/Bella HEA?
    I can’t read it unless they end up together with a white picket fence and at least 2 kids.

    • It does. Though it’s very “Weekend at Bernies”

      • Kinky.
        I like it.

  2. Are you sure this is real? It’s an actual fanfic? I can’t find it on anywhere!?

    I’ll digress this, later.

    • I wrote it. It’s supposed to be that ridiculous.

      • No!

  3. Edward should be nicer to Bella because she is in love with him and it isn’t nice when he is shooting her. (Also he shouldn’t feel bad about his penis.)

    • Maybe not the penis, but what about the skin imperfections?

      • It only matters that he’s ugly on the inside…

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