It has come to my attention that the author took her story down from fanfiction.net. She ordered that I “stop reading” her story if I don’t like, and when I replied that she can’t tell me what to do [insert pout face], she took the coward’s way and removed the story.
Some of you may be apprehensive about this, thinking that now that the story is gone, I won’t be able to finish my review. Let your fears be assuaged. I have the entire story saved on pdf, so we’re proceeding as planned. At the time this review posted, the story was still up on FictionPad: https://fictionpad.com/author/gooseonline/stories/11047/Virginal-Bella
Let’s sharpen our pitchforks and light our torches! It’s time for a hoedown!
“Edward what you are feeling is love you are in love with Bella, both your dad and I felt exactly the same way soon after we met each other.
Oh my god! Oh my fucking god! I can’t believe it! I can’t motherfucking trains-running-on-time-hell-freezing-over-homeless-guys-donating-money-to-charity believe that this is what Edward was feeling for Bella. What a great cliffhanger this turned out to be!
Despite our strong feelings for each other we stayed true to god by doing nothing more than holding hands.
Fuck me, this is dumb. This “we can’t even kiss we’re so chaste” bullshit is ridiculous. To deny your urges out of love for a deity isn’t sweet or romantic at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. The “staying true to god” deal is somewhat disturbing. Are you cheating on god if you kiss someone else? Will god throw a fit and drown in a tub of ice cream and liqueur bonbons if he catches you making out with another human?
You’re basically saying “I love you, and I want to be with you physically, but there is this razor-thin possibility that an all-powerful being that lives in the sky outside the glass firmament where the stars are hung above the flat earth will judge every man, woman, and child that lives, and has commanded that there shall be no physical exchange of any sort prior to a ritualistic ceremony that implies we will then be one person. [Which is strange because you’re not supposed to touch yourself sexually either according to said deity, so after getting married, touching your spouse is like masturbation, and that’s a huge no-no, but I digress.] Anyway, then, and only then, can we do anything more than hand-holding because I don’t want to risk being punished by said unbelievably improbable sky daddy. But I love you so much more than I love me.”
Ahhh, fundamentalist Christian love. Now that’s romance.
We might have stolen a kiss on the cheek or two but we left everything else until our wedding day and night.” Mum informed me.
For the thousandth time, it’s “mom.” THEY’RE AMERICANS, SO THEY SAY MOM. YOU CLAIM TO DO RESEARCH, BUT REALLY WHAT THAT MEANS IS YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ALREADY.
Edward’s parents left everything else until their wedding day… Their ceremony was their first time kissing on the lips. I’ll bet good ol’ dad popped a woody at the altar and had no clue what to do with it. Better yet, I’ll bet they had the wedding photographer go back through and add black bars over that rager.
“So now that you know all this what are you going to do now?” mum asked.
All what? She told him he’s experiencing that obscure little emotion called love, and that he should wear a cock cage until they get married. Information overload! Is this the first time he’s been told about love? Or that his parents were just as sexually repressed by their parents as they’re being to him? Speaking of which, they’ve never even had their own children; do you think it’s possible that they’ve never even had sex? I’m skipping possible, because it’s very likely at this point.
“I’m going to stay true to god until I marry Isabella” I said firmly without hesitation.
Yeah, adding “without hesitation,” makes this a much stronger sentence. Teenaged boys don’t think like this. Maybe the brainwashed ones. Don’t drink the kool-aid, Edward!
“Good Edward, I think your brothers are waiting for you to take the girls skiing” mum said standing up and walking to the door.
“Thank you mum” I told her giving her a strong hug.
I just don’t like the way “strong hug” sounds. “Tight,” maybe, but strong just feels like her eyeballs are going to pop out like a cartoon character.
We were standing next to the girls who were dressed in their signature colour snow gear.
Are you fucking serious? What fucking signature COLOR?! First off, what is the significance of this signature color bullshit? Second, how was that even built into the story? Oh yeah, it wasn’t. The only time we saw the colors of their dresses pointed out was for that ridiculous Snowblow dance, or whatever it was called, and when they bought their dresses, THEY WERE COORDINATING WITH THE BOYS’ TIES, THE COLORS OF WHICH EDWARD INFORMED HER IN A DUMB LETTER! THEY DIDN’T PICK THE GODDAMN FUCKING COLORS THEMSELVES, BUT NOW THEY’RE THEIR SIGNATURE COLORS?! ARE YOU IMPLYING WE’RE TOO STUPID TO NOTICE THIS, AUTHOR? OR DID IT SLIP YOUR MIND AND YOU HOPED IT WOULD SLIP OURS, TOO? TOO FUCKING BAD FOR YOU, IT DIDN’T!!
Or maybe it IS their signature colors now. It’s been chosen for them by a man, which is how these fundie relationships are supposed to work. “The man has spoken. Hush, wench, god said I’m to rule over you! Now fetch me my slippers, original sinner.”
We were each going to teach our girls, yes they became our girls last night.
…I don’t…I mean…What the fuck is this? I can’t follow the thought process behind that. The boys lay in bed with the girls, which made them “their girls.” What does that even mean? Is it a “you break it, you buy it” sort of system? They’re yours now, which means they’re obligated to bring you toilet paper when the roll is empty and you’ve already done your business? I’m really having trouble coming up with meaning for that statement because of the strict moral guidelines that the author has erected around these characters. I honestly understand this statement as anything other them being servants.
Wait, isn’t there something in the bible about the proper care of slaves? Maybe that’s the part they were reading last night.
I took Bella to an area away from her sisters and stood in front of her.
“Ok Bella as we are on the top of the hill” she snorted as I said this as the hill was not much more than a big pile of snow with an extremely gentle slope but it was perfect for what it was designed for learning the wedge – pizza slice and straight runs.
Is Bella so dumb that he has to tell her where they’re standing? She can’t tell a hill for herself? Hmm I smell impending disaster if she can’t even determine her own surroundings. And how does Edward know she chuckled because the hill was more of a mound? Does he have his mind-reading powers?! She could be chuckling because he has a lisp, or a shit stain on his snow suit. There are myriad possibilities, but the fact that he knows without her saying anything is, for lack of a better word, fucking stupid. This story just went down like Bonnie and Clyde; SO many holes!
“If you place your skis perpendicular to the slope you can do a few options, walk up the hill” I showed her what to do and she followed, walk down the hill which is the boring way of getting down or you can stay still this position is the start position which you get into once off the chair lift.” I explained.
“Ok got it” she told me so I continued my instructions.
“To move down the hill you keep your skis pointing towards the bottom of the hill to slow down you form a wedge” I showed her by pushing the tails of my skis out but not crossing the tips. “To go faster bring the tails back to the centre.” I did the action.
“Ok now we have that understood lets head straight down the hill” I said waiting for her to place her first ski in the correct direction and then the other. I did the same.
Is it over? *wipes off drool* Sorry, I zoned out after “perpendicular.” I did see a “centre,” so let me just say… IT’S CENTER!!!!!!!!111! I’m lapsing into incoherence here. I feel myself getting dumber the further I read. Before I know it, my IQ is going to drop and match…the author’s!
“Edward I’m not moving” she complained.
Neither is this shit story. We seldom get what we want now, don’t we?
“Bella lean forward on your toes” she did as I asked
Yes, Bella, bend over. About time, Edward!
“Edward I’m skiing, I’m skiing!” she told me with excitement coming through her voice.
She made the perfect wedge to slowdown when we reached the bottom of the hill then we went back up the top to learn simple turns, after the lesson she snaked her way to the bottom.
Oh look, Bella’s perfect and a natural-born skier. What are the odds? I hope she mastered the pizza slice, too, which I’m sure she has, since she’s so good at this with forty-five seconds of practice.
After a few runs so that she was confident in her skiing.
Go on… Okay, you ended the sentence there and didn’t add anything else. After a few runs, what the hell happened??
I simply love unfinished. They’re awesome.
“Ok Bella now that you are happy lets go have a hot chocolate while we wait for the others they might be there already” I told her taking her hand so that I could activate her boot release.
She’s wearing her boots in her hands? No wonder she was so adept at skiing—she was doing it on all fours!
How do you “activate” a boot release? Last I checked, ski boots have snaps that you pop open. Unless… Bella has some sci-fi suit of armor boot that you hit a button to activate the mechanism to release the boot, which then turns it into a dinner plate. That’d be cool! I’m hoping that’s what it was, because otherwise that was just plain dumb.
Once her skis were off I picked them up and carried them for her as well as mine. When we arrived at the lodge where I placed the skis in the ski rack.
When you arrived back at the lodge where you placed the skis in the rack. Go on…? Oh, you ended the sentence there. Again. Apparently this wasn’t an oversight; the author really thinks this is proper sentence construction. I love incomplete.
I took hold of Bella’s hand and lead her to a comfy group of chairs.
That group really looked comfy, and they happened to have chairs among them. How quaint!
ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!
She put the modifier next to groups, not chairs, so it’s a comfy group…. *dies* I predict this story will have me in tears well before it ends.
“Be back in a sec Bella” I told her then walked away to the counter.
“Two hot chocolates, please” I asked the cashier handing over my VIP card.
“That will be four dollar, cutie, I’m Sophie” she said taking the money I offered.
One dollar, two dollar, three dollar, four dollar!
Sophie must be new. He has a VIP card (whatever the fuck that means, since there’s no context for it) yet she doesn’t know him. I’d presume this Very Illiterate Person card means he’s there once a week or some shit, but they’ve never met. Also, Sophie is kinda slutty. I wish I had her number.
Once I was given the tray that held our drinks I walked over to Bella who had been joined by the others, Emmett and Jasper looked over at me and then quickly jumped up to get both Rosalie and Alice a drink. I sat down beside Bella and placed her drink in front of her.
Damn, Edward, you’re making your oaf brothers look bad, getting hot chocolate for your virgin sacrifice and all that. Now they’ve got to hustle and keep up.
“Thank you Edward” she told me placing a kiss on my cheek.
“You’re welcome angel” I said stealing a kiss from her cheek.
What did I say about calling her an angel? Rude jackass.
I kiss her cheek. She kisses my cheek. Riveting storytelling. Please, tell me more! The suspense is killing me.
“Ummm Edward who is Sophie?” Bella asked not sounding pleased.
“not sounding pleased.” The list of what she didn’t sound like can fill a book as thick the bible, including the Old Testament. How about telling us how she DID sound instead of how she didn’t? Or maybe the author meant she sounded displeased?
Confucius says, ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?!
“She is the girl who served me. Why?” I questioned not knowing why she was asking.
“Well she wants you to call her” Bella said holding up her napkin which had the words ‘Edward, call me, 867 – 473 – 2893, Sophie’.
The lord has provided! I wanted her number, and there it is! I renounce my godless, heathen ways, for when I wished for sluts, he hath provided….
[10 minutes later]
I take it back. I called that number. Sophie is a very angry old man who doesn’t like getting calls at 3 am. Father, why have you forsaken me?
Back to depraved hedonism for me. Religion has brought me nothing but heartache.
“I dont know where she got the idea from Bella, I am so sorry, is there anything I can do to make it up to you, just name it and I will do it” I begged her.
Make what up to her? You didn’t do anything wrong. Some skank slipped you her number, and now you’re at fault?
On second thought, this was the first realistic exchange I’ve seen in this story. That’s exactly how these situations play out. Carry on.
“One second Edward I want to see one thing before you do anything.” Bella said with little feeling.
“With little feeling.” I don’t even know what to say about that. Are her feelings small? Or she only has a little of it? What the fuck does this mean? According to the teachings these people follow, women are supposed to be inferior and all, but fuck, at least let the poor girl have proper, human-sized feelings.
“Sure Bella anything” I told her sitting back placing my head in my hands praying that I had not lost her before I even had a chance to tell her that I was deeply, head over heels in love with her.
Yes, Edward, you most likely lost her. Oh, the humanity! Oh, the melofuckingdrama! Is this the best you can come up with to drum up tension, author? Some bitch slips Edward his number, which he did not ask for, and now Bella is going to end their very intimate relationship over it? Contriiiiiiiiiiived!! I should come up with a little dance to go with it every time I say it.
A/N I would like to thank my very close friend MM who is helping me
Someone helped you? This was in worse shape?! Holy mother of fuck.
I waited for what felt like days, I looked up when I was softly poked.
I guess Emmett walked up behind him.
Glancing around I saw that both Alice and Rosalie were holding up a napkin with the same name and number.
I knew Sophie was my kind of girl. I’d like to take her to a movie in the afternoon when the theater is likely empty.
I quickly cupped Bella’s face and gave her a gentle kiss. I heard the others gasp so I pulled back worried that I had over stepped the mark but Bella was smiling at me.
YOU KISSED HER ON THE LIPS?! THE HORSEMEN COMETH!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!
We finished our drinks and headed to the easy slopes we were all skiing them with ease.
Wait, what the fuck? Where’s the fire? The brimstone? The ten plagues of Egypt? They kissed!!! Somebody build an ark!! That smooch sure as hell will bring on another flood, for humanity must be destroyed for its wicked, wicked ways and for disobeying the rules they were never given.
“Hey boys can we go up to the next level of difficulty, please” Rosalie asked as we looked at one another and couldn’t see why not so we all went to find a blue trail. Emmett and Rosalie took off on the trail first, followed by Jasper and Alice, Bella and I brought up the rear of our group.
I waited for Bella to start her run and then I took off.
I get that Bella is god’s gift to skiing, but you gave her a two-minute lesson then went to whore it up with Sophie and her hot chocolate of love. Now you’re letting the utterly untrained Bella go down the mountain on her own after kissing her on the lips? That’s what I call “the kiss of death.” You just set the stage for “bad things to happen.”
We were half way down when I heard Bella scream and I saw her fly in to a clump of bushes and fall down hard
Pizza slice, bitch! Pizza slice!!!! You did it perfectly before! THE BAD THINGS ARE HAPPENING!
I rapidly stopped kicking off my skis,
Why would you stop kicking off your skis at this crucial juncture? Your missed comma might very well have killed Bella. I hope you’re proud of yourself, author!
I ran to her quickly taking of her skis and placing them in a X shape where other skiers would see the X and be able to avoid us. I fell to me knee
“I fell to me knee.” Aye, lass!
God turned Edward into a leprechaun as punishment for his lechery. No one touch his lucky charms!
beside her and looked at how she had landed her head was resting on a rock and was bleeding heavily, how was I going to get her down so that dad could look her over. My problem was solved a few minutes later a ski patrol on a snowmobile came to see why there was an X.
So her head was bleeding profusely, but your problem was solved by a dude on a snowmobile.
“What happened kid?” The ski patroler asked me.
I can tell this guy is a pro. Bella is unconscious on the ground bleeding from a gash on her head, but let’s sit here and calmly discuss what happened. Preferably over a nice cup of chamomile tea.
ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND YOUR RADIO OUT OF ITS HOLSTER AND CALL FOR DAMN HELP, YOU GIANT TWIT!
“I don’t know sir I heard her scream and saw her crash into the bushes. My dad is a doctor and is down in the village, I’m Edward Cullen” I told him.
“I don’t know, sir. She fell into the bushes, and when I went to help, her head was resting on a rock. She’s bleeding and unconscious. There’s no way we could ever determine what happened! Not even a CSI could piece this together with such complicated and confusing circumstances. Head hits rock, head bleeds, girl passes out. How do you make sense of this?! Did I mention I’m illiterate?”
“Ok lets get your skis in the rack and the girl on the skid” he started to say.
Great plan. Let’s move the girl with a head injury without having paramedics assess her and secure her neck. She only smashed her head on a rock; there should be no possibility that her neck was injured as well, right?
Can I have the name of this fabulous ski resort so I know to NEVER go there?
“Bella” I informed him.
Who the hell asked?
“Lets get Bella on the skid and you can travel on the seat behind me” he said and he gently strapped Bella to the skid so that she wouldn’t move during the ride down. I saw this and it struck me as I saw this exact scene in my dream, it made me wonder if the other part of the dream would come true as well.
You did not, in fact, see this “exact” scene in your dream. She was strapped to a table in your dream, not a stretcher attached to a snowmobile. You’re so full of shit, Edward. “Oh, look at me! I have premonition dreams! I’m super special!” Fucking idiot.
“Ok boy get on we are ready to go” he called to me
Has this story moved to the south now?
which snapped me out of my reminiscing
Edward was daydreaming about Bella being strapped to a table and about their children who were a perfect mix of the two of them. Is this really the time, Edward? You can get your rocks off in the bathroom when you get back.
I jumped on the back of the snowmobile and he drove slowly down the slope. I made sure to check on Bella often. The ski patroler pulled up to the front door of our house.
So this “patroler” [sic] person didn’t call for help, didn’t radio in for paramedics, didn’t even think to take the unconscious, bleeding girl to the hospital. He just towed her passed-out ass to their house like a fucking broken down car.
On that note, they rode the snowmobile to their front door?! Don’t they shovel the driveway? How do they get their cars out of the garage? Or is this entire town buried under 4ft of snow at all times, and everyone just gets around on snowmobiles? This is…so…goddamn ridiculous…I can’t even…
“DAD COME QUICK” I screamed out at the top of my lungs as that was the fastest way to get his attention.
I bet he’d come down even quicker if he heard the sound of a kiss.
“What’s wrong son… never mind I can see. What happened?” dad asked so I gave him a recap on what had happened.
“Has she woken up at all?” he asked.
“No” I told him.
“Ok lets get her inside out of the cold” dad said so I walked to the skid and unstrapped Bella and took her into the living room and laid her down on the couch.
If Bella comes out of this without permanent paralysis or at least some brain damage, I’m going to be pissed. They’re dangling her head around after a serious head injury like it’s a fucking sack of potatoes. Carlisle saw this and said nothing. He’s a great doctor, I can already tell. If Carlisle turns out to be a faith healer, my day will be made.
I heard dad thanking the ski patroler then he walked inside picking up his bag finding his pen light and looking in her eyes.
Did he tip the guy, too?
“Edward sit with her while I ring the hospital to get them to send the helicopter as Bella has a severe concussion and needs to get to a hospital now. Can you ring your brothers please?” he requested of me.
Yes, let’s “ring” everyone! We’re in ‘Merica, we would never CALL people!
Where is this helicopter going to land?! Your driveway is so buried in snow you can’t even drive out of your garage! Do they have a helipad on the fucking roof in case one of his sons got a ditzy girlfriend who can’t pizza-slice worth a fuck?
I rang Emmett and Jasper saying that dad need them home now. They said they would be here as soon as possible.
Ah-ha! They do have cell phones! So what’s with that letter-writing bullshit for a whole fucking year?
You’re the reason I drink, author. Whatever happens to my liver is on your conscience.
“Edward is there any change?” dad asked looking over her.
You’re the doctor here! How the fuck is Edward supposed to know?! Have you even left the room since you came back from tipping the most inept patrolman in the history of cold weather?
“No dad” I said brushing her hair away from her peaceful face.
Peaceful, blood-covered, painfully-contorted-from-a-swollen-brain face. Finally, she looks just like an angel.
I need a drink before I get to the next part. Not that I don’t have one now. I just need a refill. Or ten.
Part 4 coming soon.