My Rook Spanks Your Knight


This entry is a crossover fanfiction. For those of you who don’t know, a crossover is when you blend two different works, mixing together both sets of characters, or perhaps just one group in the world of the other, etc. It’s a subgenre rife with possibility to be very good, but filled with the twisted abominations of what could have been. In this particular case, we’re looking at a failed abortion turned red-haired step child born of the TV show Supernatural and the reigning queen of mommy porn Fifty Shades of Grey.

I’m not actually sure what the name of this is supposed to be. You’ve got “Winchester Steele!” which, given that both Remington and Winchester are gunsmiths, it’s either a mildly clever reference to the TV show Remington Steele, or serendipitous happenstance. The other possible name is “My Rook Takes Your Knight!” which sucks, but it’s easier to parody. Either way, here’s the link https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8309430/1/Winchester-Steele and it was written by B. A. Thornhillhttps://www.fanfiction.net/u/1772733/B-A-Thornhill

This thing has hardly any punctuation, which has prompted me to post my very first rule about my reviews.

Rule #1: Criticisms will always be in context unless there is insufficient punctuation to determine said context. How am I supposed to respect context when an author fails to establish any? That being said, let’s dive in!

I was Sat in a layby in Seattle…

I had to look this word up. A layby is either the UK’s version of a rest stop where people pull over to have sex in public, most likely because many of the queen’s subjects live with their parents well into their 30’s these days, or an Australian slang similar to calling dibs on jailbait once it’s old enough. I’d guess the author means the former, as I have a distinct feeling that we aren’t starting off a story with the main character sitting in an underage girl. Furthermore, as someone who has traveled all over the US for the last 10 years, I’ve never seen anything like this in any major city.

…Sam Had been missing for a month now and all my leads lead to…

You’ve got me on the hook. Where did the leads lead?

…been in this shit hole of a city for 4 weeks now and still nothing…

Okay, you brought things to a dead halt so you could clarify that a month is four weeks. Please, tell me the next sentences aren’t about how many days are in a week followed by hours in a day, minutes in an hour and seconds in a minute. If you wanted to put icing on the shit cake, you could ramble about how Thursday comes before Friday, how tomorrow is Saturday, and Sunday comes afterwards in a shrill nasal voice. Also you just switched from past to present tense… You’re not supposed to do that.

…sam had vanished and the only way to find anything out was do what i allways do flash a fake police badge and gun and make my prime suspect Christian grey kak his pants.

What the fuck? The sentence started off fine. It needed a comma or two and some spell check, but how do you go from, “My brother has been missing for a month, and my leads lead me…” somewhere, definitely not the city itself because he’s been there the whole month, and straight to “I have a suspect, and I will make him kak his pants”? What is kak, you might be wondering quietly to yourself? Fear not, beloved reader, for I shall not leave you curious. Kak is a subdivision of currency, of course. And since I know your curiosity knows no bounds, I’ll elaborate. It’s 1/100th of a Cambodian riel. Obviously the “author” is trying to tell us that Christian Grey has been or still is in Cambodia given the type of money in his pockets. Alternatively, it could be the South African slang for shit, but I find that highly unlikely.

Also I feel I should mention we’ve got our first punctuation: one very lonely period.

…I got out of the Impala walked around to the trunk to pick up my beretta 9mm pistol out and my state of washington police detective badge out,…

This telling us what he’s going to do, and then telling us again as he does it is annoying. Also, Washington Police Department? US states don’t have police departments; cities and counties do, as well as small forces located on college campi. There are state troopers and highway patrol, but their focus is on motorist safety and crime committed by or against motorists or in rural areas with no local precinct.

Out of my holdall…

A holdall is a duffle bag. I had to look that up, too.

…back i brought my black suit,white shirt and black tie.I got in the car and changed strapped the 9mm to the inside of my jacket and put on my shades i started the car and sped off in the direction of Central Seattle.I pulled the car into a slow stop and stepped out dusting my jacket off and walking calmly into the dingey building that was Grey enterprises…

Because no one questions when one of the “men in black” pulls up in “Central Seattle,” which I assume is supposed to mean downtown since the area around the center of the city seems to be residential. Do an image search of downtown Seattle, then tell me if you see the dingy building he’s referencing. Personally, I don’t.

…and holding i walked up to the desk a preety blond was behind counter “Can i please Speak to Mr Christian Grey please”i said holding out my badge for her to see…

Try not to sound too desperate there. “Please” twice in one sentence is too much. You might have noticed that when this person does use punctuation, they neglect to use a space to separate it from the next line. I’m not sure if this is better or worse, to be honest.

…“is there some form of trouble officer?”Id scared her and thats what i wanted to do get to get to this guy and his staff…

Why? Why is he here? Why does he suspect Christian Grey? Why is he trying to scare this woman? Who the hell is he? I’ve assumed so far that we’re in the point of view of Sam’s older brother Dean, based on what I know about the show, but honestly had I not known that, I’d have no clue at all what was going on. I know it’s fanfiction and most people reading it will also be fans of the subject, but I don’t feel I’m unreasonable for expecting that works should always stand alone.

…The woman behind the counter presses a button and talks into the intercom and i can hear t he crackling of Christian greys voice the grip on my badge tightens and i am getting more pissed off at the fact that this guy possibly has my brother somewhere. I slam my fist down on the counter…

My assumption was correct, but that’s of little consequence. We got an answer to one question, only to have it replaced by more. How does he know Christian Grey well enough to recognize his voice? How is he getting “more pissed off”? What good is it to slam your fist on the counter?

…”Detective your allowed up to see Mr grey he is in his office one of my colleges will escort you upstairs “Thank You Ma’m”i say as another blond haird woman comes from behind me and i check out her ass im on a job what else can i Escorts me up stairs and its as sterile as the rest of the building i hate it…

Isn’t it dingy? Sterile means it’s so clean it doesn’t look lived in. You can’t have it both ways. I’d like to be facetious and say that this is the most absolutely awesome thing I’ve ever read, because in part, it is. I laughed so hard at this nonsensical rape of the English language that I nearly choked on a lozenge, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t remark about how this is stream of consciousness at its worst. It’s as if the writer just types exactly what they’re thinking, but their mind moves faster than their fingers and we get these half sentences and random asides that coalesce into an incoherent mess of babble the likes of which the world has never seen.

“Take A seat Please and Mr Grey will be with you shortly”the woman said as she goes off in the direction of the empty corridor.I sat here for what seemed like 2 years and Mr grey showed his ugly head well not ugly rather dashing but that dosent side track me

That would be the only thing in history that doesn’t sidetrack him.

i stand up “Mr Grey”i say holding out my hand and showing him my badge “Detective Masters how can i help you”grey casually says in a distant tone.

Thank fuck that’s over. Time for part two: Sam’s point of view, as the author so nicely points out for us.

…My Eyes slowly awaken my right eye is stinging like bitch…

What a wonderful mixed metaphor. Since when do bitches sting?

…im strapped down the room is dark as always,The Sounds of daylight are blocked from my ears…

The sounds… of daylight? That made my day. The only thing that would make it better is a pun about how delight sounds like daylight, and how, unlike daylight, the act of delight could actually be related to a sound.

…i have some horrible music playing in my ears my ears are shot so i cant really hear it much,…

If he can’t hear very well, then how does he know it’s music instead of the sounds of daylight? Consistency, please. It’s not too much to ask.

…but my body aches all over what ever has been happening i must have blanked it out im so distant from the world i feel high i feel like im on demon blood again but with out all the bonus’s…

Demon Blood? Bonuses like what? You know what? Fuck it, just keep moving.

…I Wriggle my arms i hear the jangle of shackles i pull hard for the fourth time…

Fourth? It’s at most the second, if you count a wiggle as a pull.

…and i cant get free its cold real cold i cant hear a thing this is my worst nightmare…

So you can or you can’t hear the music/daylight going on. This is getting out of hand fast.

…i feel a piece of leather over my eyes and my heart comes to a complete halt…

I am now dead, killed by a leather sleep mask that had “You are in a room and it is dark, and day time, but you can’t hear it,” written inside in glowing ink.

…ive been abused i can feel the dirt all over me i want to itch at my skin until its red raw, i cant stand this i feel used and abused and filthy like ruby all over again!…

I don’t even know what to say about this. I just love it so much.

…I hear faint footsteps over the music that is turning my insides out,they are high heeled i know that much from the clink clink on the floor…

But… you… said… you… can’t… hear… a… thing…

…I feel an intense pain across my chest like someone smacking hard on my chest, an earphone is taken out of my right ear”Im back my little pet”Anastasia speaks into my ear and suddenly everything comes back to me after those four words endless flogging that lasts for hours,Paddling,Very Rough sex or shall i say Forced rough sex i try to pull away but her hand claps around my face tight “Mommy isent finished with you yet”She says lacing her fingers down my bare chest and ending at my hard erection…

What? Is this happening now, or in the past? How do you cruelly attack an unwilling man to erection? This just doesn’t make any sense.

…She Slides her self on top of me and i feel an overwhelming sense pleasure as she rides my hard cock, i give in to her alowing her complete control of my body i shudder in pure extasty as she rides harder and harder my head tilts back and she lets out a frantic orgasmic scream i hear the rub of leather in a hand and before i know it i can feel the harsh and tantalising smack of a flogger and i let out a orgasam…

I’m no prude, but that just sounds awful. And are orgasms like farts? People just… let them out.

…this is so intense…

As opposed to the kind of humdrum orgasms that people normally have.

…after its all over she slides off me and reaches down for my ear “I need you do something for me sam in the next few weeks i need you to kill your brother is that understood?”She says as she smiles sadisticly…

Plot twist! It twisted right off the mudslide it’d been careening down and smashed into a tree, but still.

…”Of coarse mistress anything for you”…

Wasn’t he just reluctant? I’m no amateur when it comes to the way the male brain is addled post coitus, but that’s a complete personality rewrite.

…i say lurching forward towards her i want her to do a whole manner of things to my broken body anything to be inside her Trail The flogger down my chest and whips my still throbbing member and i lurch backwords in pleasure slamming down hard on the leather bed sheets…

Leather bed sheets? That’s got to chafe like a motherfucker.

…She caresses my face and pulls me into a kiss her tongue exlporeing every inch of my mouth and just when it was getting good she pulls away and as she does so bites my bottoem lip…

Man, I just had this awesome orgasm, but now that she’s frenching me, it’s starting to get good.

…”Behave My little slave or no more fun”Anastasia says seductivly she makes me feel like a naughty school boy “Im sorry mistress steele “i say pittying my self…

Poor guy, his self-esteem is so low…

…”Thats my little slave”She says climbing between my legs and wrapping her mouth around my member and sucking vigorously my head is swiming and just like that she stops biting the tip as she does i yelp in a mixture of pain and pleasure…

Apparently he’s the only guy who ever lived that wants a toothy blowjob.

…She trails the flogger down my leg and smaks in down hard on my leg “Mistress will be back to play with her Precious playing later” She says…

Play with her precious playing… I just love the way this person writes.

…as i feel her leave the room dropping the flogger on the table by me and i fall into a deep sleep riddled with dreams of a half naked anastsasia…

Do we know if he’s ever even seen her to picture her half-naked? The text says he was blindfolded the whole time, so it’s probably not too unrealistic to assume he has no idea what she looks like. On top of that, why picture her half-naked? Every man I’ve ever met pictures women completely naked.

This was so awful that it was amazing. I’m not yet convinced that chimps didn’t write this. It’s incoherent and melodramatic, but best of all, it takes itself seriously, which is something I love to see in bad fanfiction.

It’s got no character development, no flow, nothing interesting happens that doesn’t feel like it was jammed in there with a pry bar. It literally made my evening to read this.

If you liked my review, follow my blog. If you hated it, you should also follow it. Feel free to yell at me in the comments as many others already have. For my next post, I’ll be doing something that was requested in the comments and reviewing something well written, with a good storyline I actually like. So look forward to that soon.

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