I’ve Got A Penny, But it Aint for Your Thoughts…

*…the pictures of The Savage Trainer used in your article are copyrighted by Shay Savage, LLC*

I know I’ve disappeared lately, but I’ll talk about that in another post. To start things off, here’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time—a critique of an interview with The Savage Trainer. In the interest of transparency, I’ve purposefully left my wording a bit ambiguous. As far as I know, it’s the only interview with him, and probably the only one that there will ever be. Not to spoil it for you if you’ve never read it before, but somehow every answer to the questions he was asked is more vapid than the premise of interviewing the cover model for cheap romance novels by low-rent smut peddler Shay Savage.

For those of you who are interested, the original article can be found here, or you can click on any of the pictures.

During my brief absence, I’ve noticed that I had gone a little soft. The lovable asshole that didn’t pull punches and said exactly what he thought was still there, but he was being buffered by some misguided idea that he cared about people’s feelings. What a tool. Anyway, I’m back and ready to tear some shit to shreds.

As promised in their review post here, Kassie and Lauren are back with a very special guest!

I have to agree. Special is exactly the word I that comes to mind after having read this article. Our definitions may not match, though.

Many readers, ourselves included, have enjoyed staring at the cover models on many of our favorite books, but we don’t normally get the chance to interact with them on a personal level, so this is a treat!

The kind of treat that leaves the taste of poo in your mouth and causes explosive diarrhea.

The man posing on the cover of ‘You don’t get free publicity here no matter how little it may be’ by Shay Savage…The Savage Trainer (aka TST)…was gracious enough to sit down and answer some questions for us.

I’m sure it was real hard to schedule the interview. Seriously what does his day look like?

9AM Protein Shake.

10AM Run without a shirt on.

11AM Cut sleeves off of shirts.

12PM Work out in said sleeveless shirts.

1PM Masturbate while watching that episode of Malcolm in the Middle where Hal becomes the leader of a group of strong men and imagine that I might one day be that big and dumb.

2PM Train the troll-faced meal ticket.

3PM Get paraded around like a poodle and touched by nasty women that are the sole reason I shower with steel wool.

4PM Read Nietzsche.

5PM Give up on learning to read.

6PM Masturbate to Roadhouse, but only when Patrick Swayze is on screen.

7PM Deal with that stupid interview.

7:05PM Call the troll to read the questions to me.

8PM Look at myself in the mirror and remember that I’m more than just a body—I’m a face too. I mean, it couldn’t get me real work and I’m practically stuck playing the slave to my meal ticket, but a great body is enough to make me a person, right?

9PM Cry myself to sleep because I’ve spilled my milk and don’t know what to do now.

Am I close? Yeah, I’m close.

We hope to have compiled a list of questions (with the help of some fabulous ladies and friends) that you, as readers, were dying to know the answers to.

I find that line funny because I’m sure it isn’t hyperbole. Think about that one for a moment.

1. What is it like to be the face…errr, body…of Evan Arden?

Amazing. Such a great opportunity and I love working with Shay! I enjoy taking the pictures as well as interacting with the fans. Being the face/body of a bad ass hit man with a high level of sex appeal is an honor and I truly appreciate the positive feedback.

Well, now I know I can’t say anything positive. I don’t want to risk being appreciated.

 

Caption: Look ma, I cut off my own sleeves, with almost no help from any of the first responders I had on call in case things went to shit.

2. Besides being the physical model for Evan Arden, do you have any character traits that mirror him?

Many in fact. I’ll start with being an ass man! I can’t deny that fact one bit.

Why would you want to? We’re attracted to what we’re attracted to. Don’t be a stupid.

I was also in the military. Combat Medic in the Army.

Translation: I put the adhesive bandages on the skinned knees.

By the way, thanks for your service.

When it comes to marksmanship, I have a one shot-one kill method and always take care of my equipment.

Bad innuendo is bad… Just say, “I’m a good lay, I do all the stuff that the male character in female oriented smut does.”

I definitely love my dogs! My dogs are my favorite buds to come home to and play with.

I won’t insult that. Dogs are awesome.

Evan and I both have a dark side that is better left alone and kept to ourselves.

That’s probably the most generic thing anyone could say. Of course you have a dark side; we all do. It’s called “your sense of self.” As humans, we’re all selfish, but to live in a society we have to learn to share. The dark side is the part of us that wants to take everything we can and lord over the peasants.

 

Caption: Damnit, this dog is stealing my spotlight. I’m supposed to be the best looking one in the photo.

3. When Shay first told you about her writing, were you surprised to find out about the erotic nature of the stories?

I was at first, but then the more I got to know her, I wouldn’t expect anything less! Never a dull moment or story when she’s around!

For fear of getting hit with libel charges, I will not say the thing that I was considering. I say whatever I want, but I don’t want to say anything that gets my ass in legal trouble. So I will not bring up treating men like pets or bestiality, I promise.

4. I assume that you never expected to become so immersed in Shay’s world.  Do you go easier on her during workouts now?

HELL NO!

“I say this forcefully because I’m unaware of any other way to do so.”

I train her to make progress and keep moving forward with her goals. I know when to take it easy on her, but for the most part I kick her ass with fun workouts such as “Mother Fucker Mondays,” “Wicked Wednesdays,” “What the Fuck Wednesdays,” ” Too tired to smack me,” and “Lunge me to Death” 🙂

A silly name does not a fun workout make. The trick to making a work out fun is to not work out at all. Follow me here—working out is work. Work isn’t fun, therefore working out, by definition, isn’t fun. To be completely hyperbolic, ask a holocaust survivor if calling it “Your ass is gassed Tuesday” would make death camps fun.

5. We all know that you met Shay because you’re her trainer, but how did you get into personal training? Has fitness always been important to you?

I got into personal training in high school actually. I earned my first certification at 18 and loved it ever since.  Fitness became super important to me around the age of 15. I just have a passion to share my knowledge and help push other people to reach their goals.

What was that? All I heard was…

6. Now that you’re on Twitter as The Savage_trainer (@savage_trainer), has it changed your perspective on women at all?

Not at all! My mother and 3 older sisters are all into the “Fifty Shades of Grey” series and now they’re into the [redacted] series, so I understand women have their needs just as men do.

So his mom and sisters used to fap it to Fifty Shades but now they’re jilling off while they read a book that features their brother/son as the visual aid on the cover? I ask you, Savage Trainer, do you want to have said that? Would you like a do-over?

Men and women just do it in different ways.

No shit. The anatomy is all wrong for them to do it the same way. It’s called sexual dimorphism Look it up.

We’re all sexual savages at heart, it’s just how comfortable we are with sharing it that determines how Savage we are.

What was the thought process behind that answer? Right, say “savage” as many times as possible in a sentence that conveys nothing. I wonder, given that I’ve not seen any evidence that this guy can think independently at all, whose idea was that?

7. What made you decide to join Twitter as TST in the first place? The idea that all of these readers were clamoring for your pictures and posts didn’t scare you off?

Shay uses such great imagery in her writing,

Hold on to that comment, everybody. You’ll really want to remember it later.

I almost didn’t have to make a Twitter! However I loved the idea of releasing my sexual Savage and being a tease as well.

There’s that word again, “savage.” I wonder, oh how I wonder what that word keeps popping up for…

I love being able to satisfy women with their sexual needs or desires so this just allowed me to expand on that.

Dude, just eat their pussies then. Women love a good carpet munching, and if you really wanted to settle the desires of the frumpy old bitches that (I die a little inside as I write this next euphemism) polish their pearls to pictures of you, you’d man up and give them the real thing.

To be honest there’s not much that scares me in life, I just saw this as another great opportunity.

Opportunity for what? To make a pittance as a model for a couple of mommy porn “novels?” Seriously, I’m really asking, what the fuck kind of opportunity are you talking about?

8. Are we all as crazy as I feel like we are when we go nuts over your pictures?

Not at all! I love the positive feedback and comments. It allows me to continue my desire to post more pleasure pics for everyone.

I love it when you bitches-in-heat tell me how sexy I am. It allows me to continue feeling sexy and posting pictures that will have me called sexy some more. Truly, the words of the world’s next great thinker.

9. Have you ever done any other “official” modeling?

Unfortunately no. This was my first big opportunity and I love every minute of it. I would like to continue with modeling though whenever more opportunities approach.

They aren’t going to. You’re too old, dude. That ship has sailed. Give up and go back to helping middle aged house wives sweat and grunt.

10. Was it a different experience taking the photos for the cover than it is sharing pictures through Twitter? What kind of “headspace” did you need to be in to pose as this character?

Taking the cover pics was a little more difficult. The fact that one of the pics was going to end up on a book was crazy and I wanted to make sure they turned out great! Twitter sharing is fun and playful, I enjoy doing that. As far as headspace, working with Shay made everything so easy! she gave great guidance and made being “Evan Arden” one hell of an experience.

I don’t take issue with the answer here, but I do have a problem with the question. It’s a photo for the cover of a cheesy romance novel; this thing isn’t going in GQ. He’s got to do what? Have muscles and not move for a second. Seriously, what frame of mind does a person need to be in to make that happen? Of all the questions asked so far, this one is the most pointless. I can’t fault the guy for giving a stupid answer to an unbelievably dumb question.

Caption: Hey look, everybody, I have a big ass rifle with a scope in a hotel room with two beds. ‘Cuz I’m a sexual savage!

11. How did you prepare for the shoot? Did you and Shay discuss the character or any other aspects of the story to help you to be ready?

I trained and ate properly for a few weeks before the shoot so I wouldn’t disappoint Shay. We spoke a lot on the back story of Evan and she painted the perfect character for me to be.

Again, it’s a book cover for a romance novel. Most book covers these days use compilations of photos that were taken for stock websites. The models are not only not in character, they’re completely unaware of how the pics will be used. You don’t need to get in character for these photos—you need to get in position.

12. You seem fairly comfortable sharing pictures on Twitter. Have you always been comfortable with showing off your body?

Actually no, not until Shay approached me did I open up to the idea. I’m normally a reserved person but I liked the idea of doing something new and rewarding.

What rewards? Busted old chicks schlick schlicking to pictures of you in a pair of designer underwear is a rewarding experience? Sources (e.g. Robert Pattinson) disagree.

13. Would you be interested in recording an audiobook version of this series, if it were ever a possibility?

Indeed! Shay and I will have to discuss that since it is ultimately up to her. (A/N: Yes, please!)

I can hear it now, “a-a-an-and then they w-we-wen-went to the b-ba-ba-ba-bath-bathr-bathroom of the club a-an-and b-bo-bone-boned. I did it! I’m gonna call my mom and tell her! Hopefully her hands aren’t too slippery to answer the phone this time.”

14. How did Shay talk you into posing for the cover?

Wasn’t much “talking into.” She walked up to my desk and just asked me. Haha, no easing in to just put it out there. And without any thought I said yes and haven’t looked back since.

Should I? Yeah, I should, and I say this with all the sarcasm in the world. I’m so surprised that you didn’t need to think. I find this shocking and completely out of character from my original assumptions about you. And about this desk… are the pen cups filled with crayons? Are the books on the corner comic books? Does the computer have a bunch of pre-school age educational games on it?

15. What was your favorite part of shooting for the cover?

I’d have to say exploring Chicago and actually being at all the locations that are in the book.

You went on location to take a photo for what are some of the worst books I’ve ever bought, gagged over, and returned because even if it would have made a hilarious review, I simply couldn’t read the thing. People are fuckin’ nuts.

16. Did you have a favorite location that you shot at?

I’d have to say by the prison and only because I got my first experience with a city rat in a trash can.

“All the times I got laid” would have been my answer. But then again, not everyone has all this game, so your trip may not have been as fruitful as mine.

17. Did you have input into the cover?

There was none needed, Shay sent me a pic of the cover art and I was just blown away.

I’m confused. Is that innuendo?

Now, a little game, if you don’t mind – inquiring minds want to know:

• Are you single? No, I have an amazing girlfriend who supports everything I do.

Translation: hand’s off, ugly.

• What’s your sign? Virgo

Did someone miss the memo? Astrology is bullshit.

• Shoe size? 12

My ass. Look at the picture of him petting the dog. Those aren’t size 12 shoes. I wear size 12 shoes, and I know what they look like.

• Favorite gun to shoot? Any and all! The bigger the caliber the better.

No disagreement here.

• Do you “name” your favorite things: cars, guns, etc? Diesel truck is Brutus. Haven’t picked a perfect name for my motorcycle yet. Gun is “Back Up”.

Nothing about whether or not he calls his penis “Little Savage?”

• Hobbies?  Other than working out, of course. Fishing, snowboarding, shooting, riding my motorcycle, eating and spending time with my family.

Working out is your job. Jobs aren’t hobbies.

• What’s your personal training motto/philosophy/words to live by?Well I have many but two of my favorite sayings are “Fuck it” and “Just sayin”.

Since when are those “sayings?” One is a dismissive grunt, the other is a speech tick. Then again, I didn’t really expect anything deep from a pet poodle.

• What is your favorite article of clothing? What is your favorite article of clothing on women? I love wearing shorts with a t-shirt and my camo hats. Ladies, whatever makes you feel comfortable. I love a tight little black dress but sometimes its nice to relax at home in sweat pants.

Translation: I like when a woman dresses sexy for me, but it’s easier to take sweatpants off than a tight dress.

• What would be your idea of the perfect date? Oh man, so many ideas come to mind. For being a brute of a man, I have a romantic side and love being a gentleman so it depends on the weather and her favorite things. I’ll have to get back to this one but I know no matter what, I’d have to have some after dinner desserts and an appetizer 😉

Translation: I have no preference, whatever you want to fantasize me as is great. But either way I want a blowjob before the date and I expect sex afterwards, whether you want to or not. #Rapey

• What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Smile and attitude, ass and titts come next. I can’t find a woman attractive if I just want to walk away from their attitude.

Translation: I, like all males, lie about what I notice first in women because they don’t like hearing, “you have an amazing rack and I just had to cross the room and get a better look at it, but it’s rude not to engage you in conversation, so I’ll stare and nod while you talk.”

• How big is your…er…um….gun? That’ll eventually be released 😉 But it never misfires, is always cocked and ready to go.

Translation: I don’t have erectile dysfunction, but I don’t want the lie about the size of my penis to bite me in the ass later.

 

 

• And one last question we just HAVE to ask; have you finally read all the books? Work in progress, between work and outside responsibilities I am trying to get them all read. My family and friends are reading them now though.

Translation: Dude, those are fucking stupid. I have not and will not ever make time to read them because I personally don’t care beyond being on the cover and knowing the author.

By the way, do you remember what the line I told you not to forget? Damn it, you people never do what I ask. Here it is…

“Shay uses such great imagery in her writing,”

 

If you take the “work in progress” answer for what it truly is (he’s never even read a single page of those books,) then I call bullshit on this imagery comment. I doubt this guy would know imagery if it bit him in the dick.

Check out this stellar piece of imagery from Otherwise Alone. This is the first sentence in the first chapter: “It’s fucking hot.” Eat your heart out, Hemingway.

It’s just one more canned Spam answer from an inane, insipid, insufferable and incomprehensibly retarded interview; this was so bad I lapsed into adjective alliteration. I’m sad to say that this guy is little more than a Ken doll—a blank canvas on to which you can project your fantasies. Maybe everything I’ve said in this review is completely wrong, and maybe it isn’t. I can’t know, because after everything I’ve read, I don’t actually know anything about the guy. He’s either the most generic, vapid human being on the planet, or he was well coached to portray the “blank canvas” persona to help sell shitty, terribly written books.

Well, maybe I know one thing…

Caption: I’m VERY excited to be here…